Children of the Corn (2009)

September 26, 2009 - 11:35pm | Slayer
  Tags: based on book, children of the corn, Daniel Newman, David Anders, Kandyse McClure, kids, POS movie, Preston Bailey, Stephen King, syfy, TV

Your rating: None Average: 3.7 (15 votes)
Reviewer Rating: 
Children of the Crap

Rating #: 
Donald P. Borchers
Daniel Newman, David Anders, Kandyse McClure, Preston Bailey

I just finished watching the remake of Children of the Corn and I can honestly say that I haven't been this mad at a movie in a long long time. To think that people actually greenlit, financed, shot and overall made this movie, angers me to my core. The original Children of the Corn is a classic and something I hold very dear, as it was one of the first horror films I saw when I was a kid. The scene where the young boy gets stalked and eventually has his throat slit in the corn field is a scene that gave me nightmares for weeks. The only nightmares I can say I will get from this pointless remake is ones where I'm tied to chair and forced to watch it over and over again.

Just like in the original, the story focuses on a couple traveling across the good ol' U.S of A when they accidentally hit a young child who runs out onto the middle of the road. They discover that the kid's throat had been cut prior to being ran over and have the genius idea to take his body to the nearest town...that town being none other that the crazy kid cult infested Gatlin, Nebraska. Of course we all knows what happens next, blah blah blah yada yada yada.

So right off the bat we are introduced to a pint-sized cowboy preaching to a group of kids about how adults are the root of all evil and how they need to be killed off. Now this should be the point in the movie were it shows a montage of kids murdering all of the adults but this is a SyFy movie so what do we get, kids stabbing and killing a pig... That's right folks we aren't even treated to a scene of the kids killing off the adults, instead we get a 12 years later subtitle and are immediately introduced to the main characters.

Usually I would name the leads names and their actor counterparts but they are some of the most uninteresting and hateable characters ever committed to video that I will refer to them as Bitchy Black Chick and Worthless White Boy. I also want to add that I fell like they made the leads an interracial couple just to try to be politically correct and not make a movie with nothing but white folk in it. Anyway BBC and WWB are so excruciatingly bad that I found myself literally yelling at the screen whenever they disgraced it.

All BBC does is bitch and get on WWB and the audiences nerves and all WWB does is make cliched choices that end up getting them both in trouble. Right off the bat I couldn't connect with either of the two and was just wishing for their demise to come quickly and painfully. I just realized if I were to write out in detail everything that is bad from this movie, this review would be 7 pages long so instead I am just going to list all of the negatives.
  •  Isaac is no longer a creepy man child. He is an annoying kid with absolutely no screen presence.
  •  Malachai is also no longer creepy and is turned into a little bitch.
  •  None of the kids are creepy.
  •  There is no atmosphere.
  •  No tension.
  •  No conflict.
  •  No resolution
  •  Nothing for the audience to care about.
  •  The horrible shaky cam cut scenes for no reason at all.
  •  The random act of teen sex to try and shock the audience
  •  The awful Vietnam flashbacks that WWB has in the corn fields.
I will say the movie had two good points in it
BBC gets her throat cut, eyes gouged out and put up on a cross of corn. I clapped when it happened and even let out a "Hell Yeah!"
The other positive point is that the flick has the balls to kill kids and doesn't hold back from showing it. Kids get shotgunned, stabbed, shanked and beaten to death. The only problem with this is that there are about 40 plus kids in the entire town and only 5 get killed. What a waste of perfectly good children.

I could ramble on about this movie for a long time but why work myself into more of frenzy than I already have. Children of the Corn is another pointless remake that should have never been made. Now if you excuse me, He Who Walks Behind the Rows and I have a special date with the people responsible for this travesty.

A pointless remake that rapes the original films image and spits right in its face. No atmosphere, no conflict, no direction; this Children of the Corn is up there as being one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.

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