Elves (1989)

November 10, 2012 - 9:40pm | Johnny D
  Tags: 80's, Borah Silver, cheesy, Christopher Graham, Dan Haggerty, Deanna Lund, Elves, Jeff Austin, Jeffrey Mandel, Julie Austin, Laura Lichstein, Mansell Rivers-Bland, Stacey Dye, Winter Monk

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Jeffrey Mandel
Dan Haggerty, Julie Austin, Deanna Lund, Borah Silver, Mansell Rivers-Bland, Christopher Graham, Laura Lichstein, Stacey Dye, Winter Monk, Jeff Austin

‘Tis the season for Johnny to pop in some classic holiday films for his viewing pleasure. Gather 'round the fire, kiddies, for I shall regale you with a Christmas story of Nazis, virgins, incest, boobies, horrible German accents, animal cruelty, Dan Haggerty's dying career, and a "fucking midget troll". That's right boys and girls, we're talking about 1989s Ghoulies-like cheesefest Elves. Never heard of it before you say? Neither had I until my cousin and his girlfriend told me that I had to see this movie to believe it, and were they ever right. Screw Will Ferrell, I'd rather take a killer Nazi elf anyday.

I'll tell you what, they definitely don't make creature features like they used to (where for art though, Charles Band?!). Which may or may not be a bad thing, depending on your dexterity to watch a movie who's title monster (that's right singular...there's only one elf in Elves!) is a cheaply made animatronics creation that's hardly ever shown and bares a striking resemblance to an aging Sarah Jessica Parker. Regrettably, Elves does not revolve around Santa's helpers turning against their master and butchering everybody on the naughty and nice list as the tagline may suggest ('They don't work for Santa Anymore!"). No, what we get here is the story of virginal teenager Kirsten (Julie Austin) who, with two friends, ventures into the woods with her grandfather's magical Nazi book. When Kirsten accidentally spills her blood after reciting from the book, a demonic elf with the intentions of mating with a virgin before Christmas Eve to create a super Nazi soldier rises out of the ground. Now, it's up to the Mike McGavin (Grizzly Adams himself), the Santa Claus at the department store Kirsten works at, to save the day before the elf goes cherry poppin'. I kid not.

On a technical level, Elves deserves more in the range of a 2 rating. It's abhorrently written, dreadfully directed, and looks astoundingly cheap, even by straight to video 80s standards. This is an atrociously made movie that by all accounts shouldn't be recommended to anyone to watch....had it not been for the fact that this is one of the most ridiculously offensive movies that I've ever seen. Parents must have been too busy raising Kane over the latest Silent Night, Deadly Night installment to have let this insanely perverse piece of Christmas viewing slide under their radar. Had the movie not consisted of almost every possible taboo known to man then it would have been a waste of time, but there's something to be found in the absurdity that warrants at least one viewing. I also can't forget about the infamous dialogue consisting of such classic lines as "Your grandfather is your grandfather AND your father!", "You've got fucking big tits and I'm going to tell everybody I saw them.", and my favorite...the aforementioned "fucking midget troll".

My main problem with the movie is not that it's sloppily made (although, trust me, that is still a HUGE problem), but because it didn't live up to what it should have been. The box art promised me an army of Nazi elves taking over as the master race by impregnating virgins in an attempt to destroy Christmas. Now THAT sounds like a movie I'd watch. Can you just imagine the possibilities with a whole army of evil elves destroying Christmas...I know I can. Unanswered questions pile up such as why the hell does Nazi Grandpa leave his book out that can raise an evil elf where Kirsten can find it? How did the Elf suddenly dig out of the ground in America if it was created in Germany? What the hell happens to poor Grizzly Adams? Why does the mother look a bajillion times hotter than the daughter?

Elves is a bad movie...really bad. Unfortunately it doesn't reach the so bad it's good category that I had hoped for. Instead it's more of a so demented it's worth at least one viewing for those who consider themselves aficionados of bad 80s movies.

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Johnny D




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