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The Item (1999)

  Tags: 90's, creature, Dan Clark, POS movie, the item, worm

Your rating: None Average: 2.3 (3 votes)
Reviewer Rating: 
1

theitem.jpg
Rating #: 
1/10
Director: 
Dan Clark
Runtime: 
100 minutes
Cast: 
DawnMarie Ferrara, Dan Clark, Dave Pressler, Dan Lake, Ron Fitzgerald


What a complete waste. I figured that since this movie had mixed reviews and since the trailer made it look kind of action-packed that it would be a good movie, but it's actually just 80 minutes of talking and 20 minutes of stuff actually happening! I can't believe I wasted my money on this crap. So basically the movie starts out with a group of four people waiting to pick up an item from some scientist. They pick it up and are warned (naturally) of what to do if the item wakes up and blah, blah. There are many plot holes in the movie and the story doesn't really make sense, but I'm not gonna get into all that.

When you look at the cover of the movie, you think there's gotta be some kind of cannibalistic reptilian creature that's out with a thirst for blood, but noooooooo. It turns out to be some weird small slimy organic thing that looks like a giant penis. When I first saw it, I was thinking that it couldn't be the actual form. I was waiting for the lil' mofo to jump out and start eating everyone, but apparently the creature gets to people by talking them to death! It talks about people’s faults and stuff and makes them go crazy. What a friggin' waste; how boring can you get!? Some people may say the movie is "artsy" because of the directing and many scenes in the movie, well F those people, cuz I've got a better word for it -- crap! There are scenes in the movie where they would talk for like 15 minutes straight. The movie seriously needed more stuff going on rather than just getting to know each other better than they already do.

Also this movie had one of the stupidest scenes I've ever seen in a horror film, aside from the masturbatory scene in I, Zombie *shudders*.. Anyway, it's a scene towards the end where a woman actually has sex with the creature! It's so stupid, but funny at the same time. They crazy bitch lays down and starts crying, and then the creature decides to make its move by putting its slimy tail on her shoulder for comfort. Next thing I know it she's makin' out with the damn thing and decides to get a little naked! When I was watching that I was thinking that they couldn't be serious about it. Bah, little did I know that the creature could use its tail to enter the woman’s body *gags*. I was still expecting the creature to eat someone. What a waste...

One the the crappiest films I've ever seen. The creature looks like a giant penis and a woman decides to have sex with it for some reason. Movie is compiled of 80 minutes of talking and 20 minutes of very little action, to equal a 100-minutes of pure crap. Don't waste your time with this.

Posted on July 5, 2009 - 3:52pm | FrighT MasteR

 

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