|Tags: Gideon Raff, organ harvesting, POS movie, teens, Thora Birch, Train|
Cast:Thora Birch, Gideon Emery, Kavan Reece, Derek Magyar, Gloria Votsis, Todd Jensen, Vladimir Vladimirov, Koyna Ruseva, Valentin Ganev, Ivan Barnev, Nikolay Mutafchiev
In the remake era of the modern horror movies, things gradually started to migrate from redoing creepy and successful Asian movies, to giving birth to a new set of updated versions of 80s flicks. When some titles seemed to be chosen from a sound business perspective (Halloween, Friday the 13th), the others were just plain obscure. Who would have thought that Tibor Takacs' The Gate will get a new version? Troll remake?
After popularity of Asian remakes ran down, the whole shebang transferred to slashers. I already mentioned the two most popular (and bad) remakes, but besides these, we have been introduced to a new form of remakes - reimagining. Some movies had strong connections with their originals, while some of them, such as the topic of this review, just touched the first base with the original "Terror Train". Back in 2007, when new "Terror Train" was announced, I was quite surprised that someone is remaking one of the not that well known slashers of the golden era. The original did star Jamie Lee Curtis, even had popular magician David Copperfield in his first and last movie role, but the movie was bad, even for a hardcore slasher fan like me.
Very soon after the stories about the remake started circulating the Web, IMDB page for the movie was made public and the title was missing the word terror. Quite similar to the "The House on Sorority Row" reimagining in late 2009 "Sorority Row", "Train" has the same exact connecting points to its supposed original - name and main place of action.
In "Train", we follow one hectic night of a group of American students, that missed a train to Odessa (famed seaport on the shore of The Black Sea). It is important to get there as soon as possible as they are a part of a US wrestling team that needs to attend an important leg in the oversees competition. After being "helped" by a local, the clique caches another train that is supposed to go to the same location. Very soon, the movie becomes something like a third part of the Hostel series.
You watch Sci-Fi movies right? Well, as every alien invasion targets United States of America, all American teens are the main prey in various eastern European countries. On the same way as the previously mentioned Eli Roth's movies pictured Slovakian hostels, "Train" does the same for eastern Europe train systems. As soon as our bunch of teens enters the train, they are greeted by two guys that look like they just finished cleaning toilets in a local psych ward, but young US visitors without a doubt give them all of their passports for safe keeping. After this moronic action, you are practically in the clear on what to expect of the script - nothing much at all. After I watched the movie, It surely met my expectations of being poorly written, badly executed and just plain bad.
The storyline is simple enough - in a practically full, yes, full train, our teens are being killed off, mutilated, chased and whatnot. Besides restaurant coach and an illegal gambling joint, the train in question is fully equipped with a couple of cars serving as a slaughter house, as well as some kind of an infirmary. Yes, in a Hostel meets Turistas way, the bad guys are doing on-the-fly amputations and organ stealing for the greater good - money.
There were a couple of good, but short "red band" scenes in the movie, but that's practically it - everything else is something that won't by even provide some glimpse of fun time. You'll partake in unimaginative copy-paste scenes, extreme stupidness of the lead characters and flaws in the script that cause bizarre situations that rivals eastern Europe with one of the more tougher circles of Dante's hell.
Obviously I didn't enjoy the "Train" and I am pretty confident to say that you won't either. The movie can maybe, but just maybe, appeal to newcomers to the genre that started their venture in horror with Hostel and that type of flicks. For the rest of us, the "Train" has certainly left the station.
|Posted on December 21, 2009 - 9:27pm | BK|