The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

November 25, 2009 - 6:29pm | Johnny D
  Tags: Ashley Greene, based on book, Billy Burke, Cameron Bright, Charlie Bewley, Chris Weitz, Christopher Heyerdahl, Dakota Fanning, Daniel Cudmore, drama, Edi Gathegi, Elizabeth Reaser, Graham Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Jamie Campbell Bower, Kellan Lutz, Kristen Stewart, lycans, Melissa Rosenberg, Michael Sheen, Nikki Reed, Noot Seer, Peter Facinelli, Rachelle Lafevre, Robert Pattinson, romance, Stephenie Meyer, Summit Entertainment, Taylor Lautner, teens, Tinsel Korey, Twilight, twilight saga, vamps

Your rating: None Average: 4.5 (16 votes)
Reviewer Rating: 

Rating #: 
Chris Weitz
Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Kristen Stewart, Ashley Greene, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone, Edi Gathegi, Rachelle Lafevre, Billy Burke, Charlie Bewley, Jamie Campbell Bower, Daniel Cudmore, Christopher Heyerdahl, Dakota Fanning, Cameron Bright, Noot Seer, Michael Sheen, Graham Greene, Tinsel Korey

That’s right, I braved the hordes of squealing, horny teenage girls and bored, sexually repressed housewives in order to write a review that most of you will be pissed is even on a site like this.  Last I checked, both vampires and werewolves are still staples of the horror genre so fuck it, here we go.  Looking back to a year ago, I was pretty generous in my review of the first Twilight manly due to its strong directing style from director Catherine Hardwicke.  But in this rushed sequel, she’s gone and so are almost any redeeming qualities this movie could have had.  I expected something similar to the first movie.

After a disastrous birthday party where Edward’s brother tries to eat Bella, and totally not in the fun way that my fellow pervs are imagining, the Cullen family leaves Forks, Washington.  Bella goes into one helluva pathetic depression until her old BFF, Jacob Black (who’s apparently been juicing for the past year), becomes a possible new love interest for her.  And here’s where the movie completely dies.  Edward’s naïve charm from the first film has been replaced with nothing more than moody looks, and Jacob is about as fun as waxing your ass hair. 

I just don’t get this whole battle of Team Edward vs. Team Jacob.  Why is Bella so attached to either of these lame ass boys who have more issues than a newspaper.  I’d say it’s because she’s getting some good dick, but there is no sex in Twilight world…only awkward pauses of will they or wont they kiss.  Which is made even more awkward by the fact that there is absolutely zero chemistry between Krsiten Stewart’s Bella and Taylor Lautner’s Jacob.  As the audience, this is beyond agonizing to us since most of the run time is devoted to these two characters developing their relationship. 

I didn’t mind any of the leads’ performances in the first film, so I can only assume that Chris Weitz is just not as effective in drawing out strong performances from the young cast as Hardwicke was.  And can we talk for a second about how unapologetically gratuitous this movie is?  80s slasher films used more tact when it came to topless females than this movie does with a shirtless (underage) Taylor Lautner.  That’s right, feminazis, men can be sexually objectified too so stop your bitching! 

I like a lot of the movies the director Chris Weitz has worked on so it’s sad to see just how unimpressively mediocre New Moon’s style is.  There’s just nothing innovative or creative going on here.  The supposed epic finale fight is nothing more than vampires being tossed around in 300 style slow motion.  The strongest part of the film was the fight between the vampire Victoria and the wolf pack, intercut with Bella racing towards the cliffs. 

The use of editing and music made this one of the few bright spots of the movie, which was almost ruined by the bizarre look of the giant CGI wolves.  Man, did they look effing bad for such a high budget film.  If Let the Right One In taught us anything, it’s that it’s possible to create an expertly crafted, slow burning love story of sorts between a human and a vampire without relying on over the top blood and guts.  New Moon just doesn’t get it.

The compiled pre-existing tracks worked extremely well, but the composed score itself was distractingly out of place.  It was epic and sweeping, yet there was nothing epic nor sweeping about this movie.  Good music can’t save a boring scene.  And boy are there a lot of them.  Clocking in at a whopping two hours and ten minutes, the pacing is begging to be fixed and could have benefited from about twenty five minutes cut out. 

In between all this Bella and Jacob bull dookie, we’re subjected to horrible forced humor among Bella’s human friends.  As with the first movie, I don’t know who gets the blame for shit like this, the screenwriter or the original author since I haven‘t read the books and have no plans to.  Maybe one of you Twihards out there can let me know.  And if it is the screenwriter, why the hell does she keep getting hired back?

Once again, every supporting character shines and is given almost negative screen time.  As in the last film, the Cullen siblings stand out in their few scenes (with even less screen time in this movie), especially Ashley Green as Alice since she’s the only one given the time of day.  Rachelle Lefevre’s Victoria, Dakota Fanning’s Jane, and Michael Sheen’s Aro were far more entertaining in their near nonexistent parts than any of the three leads.  It’s a shame that Lefevre’s been recast with the boring Bryce Dallas Howard since she has a very charismatic screen presence.  Can we just get rid of this Romeo and Juliet love shit and have a spin off film with all of the actually interesting characters?

I tried to be as unbiased as possible, but when it comes down to it, New Moon is just not a good movie…I don’t care how old or what sex you are.  With a story that lends itself to, if nothing else, great visuals, it’s a shame to see such a typical and uninspired filmmaking style.  The supporting cast is great, but definitely not in the movie long enough to save it from its many shortcomings.  I went it expecting something along the lines of the first film; Decently made, but just not for me.  But the end result is a big step down for the series.

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Johnny D




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