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The Vineyard (1989)

  Tags: 80's, action, cheesy, Cheryl Lawson, Cheryl Madsen, James Hong, Karen Witter, Lars Wangberg, Michael Wong, Rue Douglas, Sean P. Donahue, Sherri Ball, The Vineyard, William Rice, Zombie Movies

Your rating: None Average: 3 (3 votes)
Reviewer Rating: 
4

thevineyard.jpg
Rating #: 
4/10
Director: 
James Hong
Runtime: 
95 minutes
Cast: 
James Hong, William Rice, Karen Witter, Michael Wong, Lars Wangberg, Cheryl Madsen, Cheryl Lawson, Rue Douglas, Sean P. Donahue, Sherri Ball


Another night of aimless Netflix browsing eventually led me to The Vineyard, an 80's cheesefest that's the epitome of 80's cheesefests. The flick was written, directed, and starred James Hong (who is probably best remembered as Lo Pan from Big Trouble in Little China) as a wealthy movie producer and wine maker named Dr. Po, who throws regular parties at his little island home and has most recently invited a group of aspiring actors to partake and inquire on his latest film. However unbeknownst to the guests, Po plans to use them for his mysterious rejuvenating elixir that has since kept him alive for centuries.

The Vineyard is a film that has it all -- action, romance, horror, oh and zombies! It's just a completely muddled and horribly acted and executed film and not only does all that work against it, but also in its favor! The movie is just so ridiculous to the point of being entertaining. For instance, one of my fav. scenes involves one of Dr. Po's henchmen getting "fired" after he catches him sleeping with the man's wife. The scene pretty much went down like this:

Hired Goon 1: Dr. Po says you can take some time off.
Hired Goon 2: About time I get the day off around here--
Hired Goon 1: PERMANENTLY!! *WHACK*

And a hilariously choreographed random 2-minute martial arts fight sequence ensues! There's just a lot of illogical randomness throughout the flick. Another example are a small group of pesky half-assed buried zombies in the man's yard that occasionally rise from their pits, but before they could shamble onto the rest of the property, Po does says some kinda gibberish and waves his hands around all fancy-like and that somehow causes them to go back into the ground.

Then we have the atrocious acting, specifically by an Asian journalist that tags along with the group. That actor just seemed to sleepwalk through the entire role, especially since everything he said was nothing but mumbles. I had to kick up the volume each time he spoke.  There are also characters that seemed to just show up outta nowhere and disappear just as fast. I could go on and on about all the plot-holes and weird arbitrary scenes that fill the flick's running time, but it would ruin the fun, because in the end that's all this is -- stupid, but cheesy fun.

The Vineyard is far from a good film, in fact, it's a pretty shitty film. But horrible acting, plot-holes, and sheer randomness-aside, I had fun watching it. 80's cheese at its best here folks, and if you don't like that type of thing, well then you won't miss anything by skipping it either.

Posted on April 7, 2012 - 8:40pm | FrighT MasteR

 

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