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H78
01-21-2009, 03:54 PM
I'm bored at work and felt like writing something, so I wrote this little ditty today. Hope some of ya'll like it! :tiphat:

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The Patient

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“About 15 minutes, maybe less. She can still hear you,” nurse Ricconi said to my husband as she moved into the corridor.

Looking back, those were the words that changed my life. When you can track your life down to minutes, your memories suddenly feel timeless and your past congeals into one great story; a story turned onto its last page. Yet, despite all of the many twists and turns that the lengthy story of your life has, it’s often the last page that contains the biggest surprise.

“Honey, can you hear me? Can you nod for me if you can hear this? Sweetheart?” Jacob asked.

Though I would have loved to oblige, just to create one last feeling of connection between the two of us, I could only bring myself to smile.

“That’s fantastic, sweetheart,” he whispered. “Listen, I love you. There isn’t a day I would give back that we’ve had together. You’re my world. You always will be.”

Jacob always loved my light-brown eyes - “hazelnut,” as he would call them. He often said if my beauty could be equated to any taste, it would be that of our café’s prized, dark roast espresso on a warm, sun-bleached summer morning. I knew, regardless the struggle, if there was one thing worth trying to open my eyes for, it was Jacob.

“That’s lovely, sweetheart. My hazelnut,” he said, smiling with one half of his mouth.

As I glanced up into his dark eyes, Nurse Ricconi reentered the room, a syringe in one hand and the transparent vial in the other. How bizarre it’s been, I thought, to have an Italian nurse working for an Oregonian health system. Perhaps she’d always had a desire, beginning at an early age, to work at such a facility. Regardless of my mind’s nuances, her two objects in hand meant my pain will have soon run its course, though at the expense of my life.

“Mrs. Pelletier, we offer a final option for our patients to opt out of this procedure. Upon injection, your breathing will slow and eventually stop. You will feel no pain, other than that caused by your illness. Once you’ve reached an inactive state, your virus will no longer be of pain to you. Would you like to proceed?” Nurse Ricconi asked.

Still unable to nod, I gave Nurse Ricconi the same sign of approval that I gave my husband - my eyes and my smile. I had little fear in approving of my death. I knew the only thing awaiting me beyond the white sheets and wooden box was my Savior. He’d make death merely a waiting period before my inevitable reunion with Jacob.

“She looked at me and smiled, which is her way of saying ‘Yes’,” Jacob told the nurse.

Nurse Ricconi looked away from my husband and down at me with regret in her eyes - an understandable precursor to ending another person’s life. My husband bent down, kissed me on the forehead, and smiled.

“I love you, dear,” he said.

Nurse Ricconi fell out of my field of vision for a few moments, only to quickly stand back up seconds later.

“It’s done.”

My eyes began to feel heavy and my lungs began to tingle. I could feel my breaths, then my heart begin to slow down. My body was at ease, but my mind was not.

“Is she gone?” Jacob asked.

“She will be soon,” Nurse Ricconi replied. “It’s done, there’s nothing else to be worried about.”

“Her eyes are closed, but I want to make sure she’s gone. I can’t move on without knowing,” Jacob said.

“She's physically without pain, Jake, and any other pain she feels will soon be gone as well,” Nurse Ricconi said.

I waited for light, but only darkness remained.

“She's not breathing anymore,” Jacob said. "To a new life, Abrielle."

H78
01-23-2009, 01:11 PM
Guys, please, slow down...the feedback is blowing me away! :sure:

:dsp:

WarBeast
01-23-2009, 03:18 PM
Very well written... just a damn bit depressing...

H78
01-23-2009, 03:37 PM
Thanks.

Yeah, it is depressing. I don't even know why or how I came up with the idea. I didn't have euthanasia on my mind or anything. I just wrote that first line and then everything else followed.

I guess I can't think of much that's scarier than being betrayed by the person you adore the most.

BooBerry
01-23-2009, 03:59 PM
Emo kid :D.

But it was well writen. Glad more than a handful of people can spell, uses past/present tenses, and punctuation. :tiphat:

H78
01-23-2009, 04:10 PM
But it was well writen. Glad more than a handful of people can spell, uses past/present tenses, and punctuation. :tiphat:

I were a jernalisim majer, if I can't rite korrektly sumthing's seiriously rong. :greetings:

Damian
06-09-2009, 05:06 AM
I guess I'm a little late, but this is some exceptionally well written work, H78!

Very touching; very human.

I think I'm going to have to read the rest of your stuff, now. :nod:

H78
07-23-2009, 08:01 PM
Thanks, dude. Looking back, I like the way this one came out. Making the ending short but effective was tough, but I think it was well conveyed.

I may have to drop a few more things in here. It's been a few months.

SkullBat308
07-24-2009, 12:38 AM
I would definitely like to read some more stuff:thumbup:

Macready
07-24-2009, 08:42 PM
H78, I have read some of your stuff before but I am more of a lurker around these parts than anything else these days. However your writing stands out here and I feel compelled to provide feedback.

As in the rest of your works your technical ability is seamless, as I would expect it to be with your background. If the technical aspect of your writing flows this seamlessly all the time I truly envy you.

I do not have a problem with the depressing subject matter as it is what you seemingly aimed for and for the most part succeeded in doing.

As a stand alone story this just does not work for me. For me this felt like I tuned into a movie that was just ending. When all was said and done I found that I never cared for Abrielle or Jacob.

I know this was created to give yourself something to do (Hell, I do this very thing all the time.) but as a stand-alone story this does not really hold much water in my opinion.

I think you could take this little scene and work off it to create a more involved tale that could give the reader more to hold on to and a greater overall feeling of exactly what you are trying to convey here.

I hope at some point you do try to expand on this one as I would like to see what you can come up with.

- Mac

H78
07-24-2009, 09:52 PM
H78, I have read some of your stuff before but I am more of a lurker around these parts than anything else these days. However your writing stands out here and I feel compelled to provide feedback.

As in the rest of your works your technical ability is seamless, as I would expect it to be with your background. If the technical aspect of your writing flows this seamlessly all the time I truly envy you.

I do not have a problem with the depressing subject matter as it is what you seemingly aimed for and for the most part succeeded in doing.

As a stand alone story this just does not work for me. For me this felt like I tuned into a movie that was just ending. When all was said and done I found that I never cared for Abrielle or Jacob.

I know this was created to give yourself something to do (Hell, I do this very thing all the time.) but as a stand-alone story this does not really hold much water in my opinion.

I think you could take this little scene and work off it to create a more involved tale that could give the reader more to hold on to and a greater overall feeling of exactly what you are trying to convey here.

I hope at some point you do try to expand on this one as I would like to see what you can come up with.

- Mac

Wow, thank you for the fantastic feedback. I genuinely appreciate the kind words.

I see what you mean, and I actually agree with it. It does sort of just depict an ending, doesn't it? I don't feel as inclined to give a background on Abrielle; I want her to be viewed as mysterious but undoubtedly conniving, but I do think Jacob deserves more development.

If I get around to writing another draft to this, I'll be sure to post it. Thanks again for the feedback and for checking out this forum! That's exactly the kind of feedback I've always hoped this forum would generate.