Aurone
02-02-2009, 01:42 AM
This is an old story I worked on back when I once thought of being a writter. I gave up on it as I relies I should have some training in sentance structure and spelling. Shame, cause I think I created something special with this.
So since we're doing fiction now, I figured I post the first 2 chapters. As I said, I have no training in spelling or sentance structure, so please lay off that. I'm more interested in your thoughts of the story. I'll post the Prelude with this submission and chapter 1 with a reply. Here we go!
Prelude Chapter 1
It was deep in the Middle East. The mission was somewhat simple: there was a hauling of illegal weapons to sell to the highest bidder. Some of the weapons weren't even allowed by most government military's. From the info they had gathered, it was heading down a road in the middle of the dessert country side. Along the road were 2 houses.
On one side was a smaller house, in it was over 12 Marines and 2 Navy Seals to lead them. Farther down on the opposite side was another house, slightly larger, about 205 yards down, and also full of Marines, 30 of them and 2 more Navy Seals playing leader. Once the trucks hauling the weapons had gotten between the 2 houses, ambush and take them down before it could get to the coast.
The messenger boy for the second house moved through the bundle of men and women, all of them had been on the edge all this time, waiting for when it was time for action. As he wondered past all the desert camouflage uniforms and AK-47s, he had in his hand a package just received. They didn't get many letters, let alone a package in the middle of the desert.
The Messenger walked onto the back porch that looked out onto the dessert. Back there was a woman holding an AK-47 like the rest of the men and women, only she wasn't a marine, she was a Seal, top class too, one of the best soldiers America made. Her head brown hair hung behind her with multiple hair bands holding it all in one long string.
"Eloria?" said the Messenger.
Eloria looked back and saw him, saying "Is that how you address your commanding officer?"
The Messenger quickly stood up strait with his back fully up and down. "Sir, I have a package for you commander Eloria, Sir!"
Eloria let out a chuckle and took the package out of his hands; she didn't mind him not fallowing orders since most of the troops where on the edge. He Flattened his hand and brought it too his head, saluting her. She brought up her hand as well, saluting back.
As he turned around and left, Eloria opened up the box. Her face started to light up with a smile as she pulled out another box. It was a box of Pregnancy Tests.
For the last month and a half, she and fellow Seal named Jimmy have been intimate. They joked that once they went back to America, they'd start living together. She believed she was in love with her soul mate. And with him, she could get what she's always wanted, a child.
She quickly set down her gun and ran back into the house, walking through all the soldiers, heading for the bathroom in the middle of it. As Eloria opened the door, she looked in to see 2 men looking at some magazine, laughing in a dirty and childish way.
"What're you doing?" she asked.
The 2 men flipped around, one of them holding open a Penthouse Magazine, then quickly bringing it behind him when he relies that it was open for her to see. The other one looked to his right at the guy holding the magazine and said "Sir, we were…..we where just--"
"Out now…" she demanded.
The 2 men quickly rushed past her and out of the bathroom. Once gone, Eloria quickly shut and locked the door, then walked over to the toilet. After setting down the box, she quickly started to un-do her pants.
With 1 fast motion, she shoved both pants and underwear down to her ankles and sat down on the toilet seat. She quickly reached around for the box, since she could feel it coming fast. Eloria just ripped at the side trying to open it. She reached in and pulled out one of the testers. Eloria looked down into her lap, she could feel she was gonna go real soon. She wanted to know now.
As she dropped the box on the floor, Eloria ripped open the package the test was in and pulled it out. She had ordered a simple one, which simply said yes or no if she was pregnant. She spread legs and lowered it below herself putting it position. Finely she felt the stream of urine leave from herself. The tip was getting in the stream really good. A few drops got onto her hand, but the anticipation on knowing if she was gonna be a mother was too much.
She took it away from her body and held it up waiting. She didn't even realize she was still urinating and that she was about to stop. She crossed her fingers and started to whisper simple prayers under her voice.
Minutes passed slowly, they seemed to last forever. She hadn't even pulled up her clothing or got up; she just waited there for it to answer her. Then her mouth dropped in shock.
Yes. It said yes. She was pregnant. Her dreams of mother hood where about to come to life. She suddenly started to let out tears of joy. Then it hit her, Jimmy, she had to tell Jimmy the good news. She knew he'd be just as happy, and once the mission was over, they could move back to America and start a family.
Eloria quickly started to clean herself up and pulled back up her cloths. She could contact over to the other house where Jimmy was. He was one of the 2 seals leading up ahead.
She quickly un-locked and opened the door and ran for the stairs, nearly shoving over a soldier, as she ascended. Once at the top she quickly turned right an entered a room, in there was Johnson, the other Seal for them and an old friend.
He turned to her and asked "What's up Eloria?"
Smiling, Eloria lifted up the test, showing clearly that it was yes. Johnson started to laugh and said "Oh my god, you've got a child on the way, who's the father?"
"Jimmy…" she replied.
Johnson quickly got up and hugged her tight. She quickly hugged back, feeling the grand feeling of sharing this with someone close. "This is wonderful" he said "I'll have to get Jimmy and me cigars for it, and when we get back, we could……you gotta tell him now."
He quickly moved aside, making room for her to go to the radio between the 2 houses. Eloria quickly moved to it and lifted the mike. After pushing the button she said "Eloria from Ambush Delta calling Jimmy at Ambush Beta, over."
Eloria waited a few seconds, and then heard "Hey honey…….how's things over there?"
Laughing, Eloria said "News, big news for you and me."
"Oh….." said Jimmy over the radio "What big news would--"
Suddenly, the radio was silent. Eloria waited for several seconds and then asked "Jimmy? What's going on?"
Silence still came from the radio until she heard "Talk about this later. The trucks with the weapons are here."
"Alright, we'll get ready here, over and out." said Eloria.
As she got up, she looked and Johnson, who had been there listening. They nodded showing they knew what to do and quickly started to run out the door Eloria putting the test on a dresser in the room before she left. As both of them ran to down the stairs, they where screaming "Show time people, lets get ready. Lock and Load!"
As all the soldiers quickly lifted up there guns and got into position, Eloria ran to the back of the house, where her gun was, it was also where her position was. As she ran onto the porch she instantly grabbed her gun and ran to side, looking over the corner of the house. Down the road, 3 large trucks where driving down, with green material covering over the back, military style, in the back where the weapons, they might have to kill some of the men.
She didn't enjoy killing, she liked guns and wanted to be in best shape of her life, hence being a Seal, but taking a life wasn't her pleasure.
She gripped onto her gun tight, the Trucks where about to go in front of the first house, once between the 2 houses, the ambush would happen. She real quick did a prayer, hoping to god that nothing where to happen to her or Jimmy, especially her since she was caring there child.
Suddenly, the entire ground shook, with an almighty blast. She fought to maintain her balance. Eloria's mouth dropped in horror as she looked ahead. The first house all of a sudden exploded. The Entire house blew. She couldn't tell if any got out, but she was now afraid. Jimmy was in there, he could have been in there when it blew.
Eloria spun around to see Johnson run out. He quickly looked back into the house and screamed "Stay inside! We'll check it out, but when them trucks make it here, hit them!"
Johnson and Eloria quickly, holding there AK-47's in hand ran down the back steps and out into the dessert about 20 ft. They then quickly turned and ran low, heading down the direction of the road. They wanted to remain out of site as much as possible. They looked over, seeing the trucks move slowly towards the house. The trucks where just about in position to be ambushed, 30 marines still had a decent chance at stopping them.
Suddenly Eloria stopped Johnson.
"What're you doing?" he asked.
She pointed at the burning house and said "That didn't blow from a gun like weapon, rocket launcher or grenade launcher, too powerful of blast to take the entire house at once. It was a bomb inside."
Johnson looked at the burning house, then back at the other house where there troops where stationed. "Head back now!" he screamed.
Both Johnson and Eloria turned around and ran back. Both didn't even bother lying low and out of site.
Just as they where about 35 ft away, the entire house suddenly exploded, flames and chunks of house went flying into the sky. The sound wave was massive, it shot everywhere as the house erupted into a fire ball.
"Get down!" screamed Johnson.
Johnson and Eloria got down and crawled away fast, covering there heads. They waited with there heads held to the ground waiting. They listened, hearing large pieces of debris landing on the ground. As they finely heard the final few pieces fall, they quickly got back up. They looked back on at the burning house. So many good men and woman had just been killed.
Both Eloria and Johnson looked past the flaming wreckage to see the last of the 3 trucks driving by. Both of them quickly started to run. As they avoided the flames and destruction, they held up there AK-47's.
Once onto the road, Eloria started to lift her gun up to aim, but Johnson quickly grabbed her gun and pulled it down.
"Don't…" he said "you'll provoke them, the 2 of us against them with that kind of weaponry, it's a death sentence."
Both of them just stood there watching as the trucks drove down the road. They had failed. Someone was an insider, someone hidden in there troops put the bombs in place. And it worked, now all them weapons where gonna be sold, and used to hurt more innocent people.
Out of the silence, a loud gunshot was heard. Eloria ducked and covered. She looked over, Johnson was still standing. She tried to move him, but when she took hold of him, he fell to the ground lifeless. She looked down in horror, Johnson, who she had trained with since day one, who helped her keep going through the toughness of training was now dead and gone.
Eloria then froze, as she felt a hard object press against her head. Then a clicking noise came, it was obviously a gun, the gunman pulling the hammer back to load in another bullet. She thought about all her training, the days spent waiting for a day like this.
"So you’re the traitor?" she asked.
The gunman let out a simple "Mmm-hmm" to indicate he was the one. Eloria couldn't see him; she couldn't tell who it was. She knew though, she had one chance, one opportunity to take him out.
With adrenaline ran quickness, she spun around and quickly knocked the gun away, pointing it in a different direction away from her. Instantly she opened fire with her AK-47, firing several bullets into the gunman. But once she saw who it was, she froze, and stopped firing. Jimmy. He had turned on them; he had tried to kill her. The man she loved and the father of there baby was the one who's just killed several soldiers and with out a doubt, was gonna be a wanted man.
Jimmy fell to the ground hard. He just had several 7.69mm rounds shot into him. It was hard for him to breath, he had a few shot through his lung, and several organs had been damaged. It was agonizing pain.
Eloria dropped her gun and quickly came to his side. He was hurt bad, even if they where close to a town, he wasn't gonna make it. With her heart destroyed, she asked "Why?"
"The……money was too much……..I couldn't……help it……" he said, speaking was so hard since he couldn't breathe well.
"Jimmy, listen to me" she said "that big news I was gonna tell you, I tested myself……..I'm pregnant Jimmy. And it's yours."
Jimmy's eyes widened and said "We're gonna have……a baby?"
"Yes, and I won't tell him or her what you did today, I'll say you died honorably." said Eloria, her eyes watering with tears. Her hands cupped around his face cheeks, showing her care and love for him even now.
"I……..have a better…….idea….." said Jimmy. Eloria got closer, to hear what he had to say.
With one hard shock of pain, Eloria's eyes widened as she suddenly felt several bullets suddenly cut through her lower belly. She instantly knew where the bullets where shot: below the naval, right where her Uterus was. After the last shot was fired, Jimmy as loud as he could say it let out his final words: "We all go together; you, me…and our child die together."
As Eloria fell back holding her stomach wounds, Jimmy lifted the gun and placed it in his mouth. Then to end the pain, he squeezed the trigger.
Eloria didn't even look to see Jimmy commit suicide, she quickly undid her pants. As soon as they where open, she slid her hand down the front and felt her self. A warm liquid came running from her clit.
As she pulled her hand out, larger more painful tears started to slide down her face. Her hand was covered in blood, she knew it was over. Despite the blood on one, she brought her hands to her face and covered her eyes as she knew it was over. The Child was gone, the father was dead, and unless someone came to find her, she was gonna join them both as well.
So since we're doing fiction now, I figured I post the first 2 chapters. As I said, I have no training in spelling or sentance structure, so please lay off that. I'm more interested in your thoughts of the story. I'll post the Prelude with this submission and chapter 1 with a reply. Here we go!
Prelude Chapter 1
It was deep in the Middle East. The mission was somewhat simple: there was a hauling of illegal weapons to sell to the highest bidder. Some of the weapons weren't even allowed by most government military's. From the info they had gathered, it was heading down a road in the middle of the dessert country side. Along the road were 2 houses.
On one side was a smaller house, in it was over 12 Marines and 2 Navy Seals to lead them. Farther down on the opposite side was another house, slightly larger, about 205 yards down, and also full of Marines, 30 of them and 2 more Navy Seals playing leader. Once the trucks hauling the weapons had gotten between the 2 houses, ambush and take them down before it could get to the coast.
The messenger boy for the second house moved through the bundle of men and women, all of them had been on the edge all this time, waiting for when it was time for action. As he wondered past all the desert camouflage uniforms and AK-47s, he had in his hand a package just received. They didn't get many letters, let alone a package in the middle of the desert.
The Messenger walked onto the back porch that looked out onto the dessert. Back there was a woman holding an AK-47 like the rest of the men and women, only she wasn't a marine, she was a Seal, top class too, one of the best soldiers America made. Her head brown hair hung behind her with multiple hair bands holding it all in one long string.
"Eloria?" said the Messenger.
Eloria looked back and saw him, saying "Is that how you address your commanding officer?"
The Messenger quickly stood up strait with his back fully up and down. "Sir, I have a package for you commander Eloria, Sir!"
Eloria let out a chuckle and took the package out of his hands; she didn't mind him not fallowing orders since most of the troops where on the edge. He Flattened his hand and brought it too his head, saluting her. She brought up her hand as well, saluting back.
As he turned around and left, Eloria opened up the box. Her face started to light up with a smile as she pulled out another box. It was a box of Pregnancy Tests.
For the last month and a half, she and fellow Seal named Jimmy have been intimate. They joked that once they went back to America, they'd start living together. She believed she was in love with her soul mate. And with him, she could get what she's always wanted, a child.
She quickly set down her gun and ran back into the house, walking through all the soldiers, heading for the bathroom in the middle of it. As Eloria opened the door, she looked in to see 2 men looking at some magazine, laughing in a dirty and childish way.
"What're you doing?" she asked.
The 2 men flipped around, one of them holding open a Penthouse Magazine, then quickly bringing it behind him when he relies that it was open for her to see. The other one looked to his right at the guy holding the magazine and said "Sir, we were…..we where just--"
"Out now…" she demanded.
The 2 men quickly rushed past her and out of the bathroom. Once gone, Eloria quickly shut and locked the door, then walked over to the toilet. After setting down the box, she quickly started to un-do her pants.
With 1 fast motion, she shoved both pants and underwear down to her ankles and sat down on the toilet seat. She quickly reached around for the box, since she could feel it coming fast. Eloria just ripped at the side trying to open it. She reached in and pulled out one of the testers. Eloria looked down into her lap, she could feel she was gonna go real soon. She wanted to know now.
As she dropped the box on the floor, Eloria ripped open the package the test was in and pulled it out. She had ordered a simple one, which simply said yes or no if she was pregnant. She spread legs and lowered it below herself putting it position. Finely she felt the stream of urine leave from herself. The tip was getting in the stream really good. A few drops got onto her hand, but the anticipation on knowing if she was gonna be a mother was too much.
She took it away from her body and held it up waiting. She didn't even realize she was still urinating and that she was about to stop. She crossed her fingers and started to whisper simple prayers under her voice.
Minutes passed slowly, they seemed to last forever. She hadn't even pulled up her clothing or got up; she just waited there for it to answer her. Then her mouth dropped in shock.
Yes. It said yes. She was pregnant. Her dreams of mother hood where about to come to life. She suddenly started to let out tears of joy. Then it hit her, Jimmy, she had to tell Jimmy the good news. She knew he'd be just as happy, and once the mission was over, they could move back to America and start a family.
Eloria quickly started to clean herself up and pulled back up her cloths. She could contact over to the other house where Jimmy was. He was one of the 2 seals leading up ahead.
She quickly un-locked and opened the door and ran for the stairs, nearly shoving over a soldier, as she ascended. Once at the top she quickly turned right an entered a room, in there was Johnson, the other Seal for them and an old friend.
He turned to her and asked "What's up Eloria?"
Smiling, Eloria lifted up the test, showing clearly that it was yes. Johnson started to laugh and said "Oh my god, you've got a child on the way, who's the father?"
"Jimmy…" she replied.
Johnson quickly got up and hugged her tight. She quickly hugged back, feeling the grand feeling of sharing this with someone close. "This is wonderful" he said "I'll have to get Jimmy and me cigars for it, and when we get back, we could……you gotta tell him now."
He quickly moved aside, making room for her to go to the radio between the 2 houses. Eloria quickly moved to it and lifted the mike. After pushing the button she said "Eloria from Ambush Delta calling Jimmy at Ambush Beta, over."
Eloria waited a few seconds, and then heard "Hey honey…….how's things over there?"
Laughing, Eloria said "News, big news for you and me."
"Oh….." said Jimmy over the radio "What big news would--"
Suddenly, the radio was silent. Eloria waited for several seconds and then asked "Jimmy? What's going on?"
Silence still came from the radio until she heard "Talk about this later. The trucks with the weapons are here."
"Alright, we'll get ready here, over and out." said Eloria.
As she got up, she looked and Johnson, who had been there listening. They nodded showing they knew what to do and quickly started to run out the door Eloria putting the test on a dresser in the room before she left. As both of them ran to down the stairs, they where screaming "Show time people, lets get ready. Lock and Load!"
As all the soldiers quickly lifted up there guns and got into position, Eloria ran to the back of the house, where her gun was, it was also where her position was. As she ran onto the porch she instantly grabbed her gun and ran to side, looking over the corner of the house. Down the road, 3 large trucks where driving down, with green material covering over the back, military style, in the back where the weapons, they might have to kill some of the men.
She didn't enjoy killing, she liked guns and wanted to be in best shape of her life, hence being a Seal, but taking a life wasn't her pleasure.
She gripped onto her gun tight, the Trucks where about to go in front of the first house, once between the 2 houses, the ambush would happen. She real quick did a prayer, hoping to god that nothing where to happen to her or Jimmy, especially her since she was caring there child.
Suddenly, the entire ground shook, with an almighty blast. She fought to maintain her balance. Eloria's mouth dropped in horror as she looked ahead. The first house all of a sudden exploded. The Entire house blew. She couldn't tell if any got out, but she was now afraid. Jimmy was in there, he could have been in there when it blew.
Eloria spun around to see Johnson run out. He quickly looked back into the house and screamed "Stay inside! We'll check it out, but when them trucks make it here, hit them!"
Johnson and Eloria quickly, holding there AK-47's in hand ran down the back steps and out into the dessert about 20 ft. They then quickly turned and ran low, heading down the direction of the road. They wanted to remain out of site as much as possible. They looked over, seeing the trucks move slowly towards the house. The trucks where just about in position to be ambushed, 30 marines still had a decent chance at stopping them.
Suddenly Eloria stopped Johnson.
"What're you doing?" he asked.
She pointed at the burning house and said "That didn't blow from a gun like weapon, rocket launcher or grenade launcher, too powerful of blast to take the entire house at once. It was a bomb inside."
Johnson looked at the burning house, then back at the other house where there troops where stationed. "Head back now!" he screamed.
Both Johnson and Eloria turned around and ran back. Both didn't even bother lying low and out of site.
Just as they where about 35 ft away, the entire house suddenly exploded, flames and chunks of house went flying into the sky. The sound wave was massive, it shot everywhere as the house erupted into a fire ball.
"Get down!" screamed Johnson.
Johnson and Eloria got down and crawled away fast, covering there heads. They waited with there heads held to the ground waiting. They listened, hearing large pieces of debris landing on the ground. As they finely heard the final few pieces fall, they quickly got back up. They looked back on at the burning house. So many good men and woman had just been killed.
Both Eloria and Johnson looked past the flaming wreckage to see the last of the 3 trucks driving by. Both of them quickly started to run. As they avoided the flames and destruction, they held up there AK-47's.
Once onto the road, Eloria started to lift her gun up to aim, but Johnson quickly grabbed her gun and pulled it down.
"Don't…" he said "you'll provoke them, the 2 of us against them with that kind of weaponry, it's a death sentence."
Both of them just stood there watching as the trucks drove down the road. They had failed. Someone was an insider, someone hidden in there troops put the bombs in place. And it worked, now all them weapons where gonna be sold, and used to hurt more innocent people.
Out of the silence, a loud gunshot was heard. Eloria ducked and covered. She looked over, Johnson was still standing. She tried to move him, but when she took hold of him, he fell to the ground lifeless. She looked down in horror, Johnson, who she had trained with since day one, who helped her keep going through the toughness of training was now dead and gone.
Eloria then froze, as she felt a hard object press against her head. Then a clicking noise came, it was obviously a gun, the gunman pulling the hammer back to load in another bullet. She thought about all her training, the days spent waiting for a day like this.
"So you’re the traitor?" she asked.
The gunman let out a simple "Mmm-hmm" to indicate he was the one. Eloria couldn't see him; she couldn't tell who it was. She knew though, she had one chance, one opportunity to take him out.
With adrenaline ran quickness, she spun around and quickly knocked the gun away, pointing it in a different direction away from her. Instantly she opened fire with her AK-47, firing several bullets into the gunman. But once she saw who it was, she froze, and stopped firing. Jimmy. He had turned on them; he had tried to kill her. The man she loved and the father of there baby was the one who's just killed several soldiers and with out a doubt, was gonna be a wanted man.
Jimmy fell to the ground hard. He just had several 7.69mm rounds shot into him. It was hard for him to breath, he had a few shot through his lung, and several organs had been damaged. It was agonizing pain.
Eloria dropped her gun and quickly came to his side. He was hurt bad, even if they where close to a town, he wasn't gonna make it. With her heart destroyed, she asked "Why?"
"The……money was too much……..I couldn't……help it……" he said, speaking was so hard since he couldn't breathe well.
"Jimmy, listen to me" she said "that big news I was gonna tell you, I tested myself……..I'm pregnant Jimmy. And it's yours."
Jimmy's eyes widened and said "We're gonna have……a baby?"
"Yes, and I won't tell him or her what you did today, I'll say you died honorably." said Eloria, her eyes watering with tears. Her hands cupped around his face cheeks, showing her care and love for him even now.
"I……..have a better…….idea….." said Jimmy. Eloria got closer, to hear what he had to say.
With one hard shock of pain, Eloria's eyes widened as she suddenly felt several bullets suddenly cut through her lower belly. She instantly knew where the bullets where shot: below the naval, right where her Uterus was. After the last shot was fired, Jimmy as loud as he could say it let out his final words: "We all go together; you, me…and our child die together."
As Eloria fell back holding her stomach wounds, Jimmy lifted the gun and placed it in his mouth. Then to end the pain, he squeezed the trigger.
Eloria didn't even look to see Jimmy commit suicide, she quickly undid her pants. As soon as they where open, she slid her hand down the front and felt her self. A warm liquid came running from her clit.
As she pulled her hand out, larger more painful tears started to slide down her face. Her hand was covered in blood, she knew it was over. Despite the blood on one, she brought her hands to her face and covered her eyes as she knew it was over. The Child was gone, the father was dead, and unless someone came to find her, she was gonna join them both as well.