Finding Santuary

[Nightflyer]

Self Removed - Editing purposes.

[Macready]

Night,

I have read through this a few times now and I must say this is some fine work. This little snippet provides a scene that is easy to visualize do to some nice word usage and structure.

As in your past works the characters shine with outstanding emotion and great dialogue. The time you spend on developing your characters shows and makes it a compelling piece.

I did find some words not spelled correctly but that is pretty much a non issue since it is not all too frequent. Editors and proofreaders have jobs for a reason!

There are some areas I would set up differently or re-word to keep things flowing a bit better as well:

This third hit also managed to split the inside of my lip and blood began to pool in my mouth, and with no other recourse I simply spat it out and onto the arm of the chair I was bound to.

I had been held in the same place for the last twenty minutes with four straps and I periodically looked down at the restraints, checking to see if they were still firmly gripping at my wrists and calves. I was hoping to see them loosened a little – giving me some sign that I could break free, however like before the straps dug in deep and I was still unable to move or defend myself from the blows that were still to come.

The Corporal stood over me with a smile on his face; standing some six foot three inches tall, broad shoulders and heavily muscled; the black security uniform clung to his body like a second skin enhancing the rigid contours.

Some of the recommendations I made above could be just mere preference however you may agree they fit better.

I can provide more later if you like, here at work it is a bit difficult.

- Mac

[Nightflyer]

Hi Mac

As always it's great to get your feedback, and thanks for the pick up's. The reworked areas defiantly read much easier/better your way. That's the great thing about a set of new eyes. I had been rewriting/working the opening on and off for a couple of weeks and after a while it all just becomes hard to pick up things. Now comes the challenge of hopefully writing the next 100-200 pages.

Thanks again for taking the time and providing feedback.

Cheers

Night

PS: Still love your sig, I need to re-read The Hour After Dark. Been to long.

[Macready]

No problem at all, always glad to help.

If you have anything else you want a second set of eyes to look over just let me know.

- Mac

[3/6]

Just a word of warning - it has a gay theme




:dsp:

*leaves thread*

[Macready]

:dsp:

*leaves thread*


:wavecry:

[3/6]

:wavecry:

:kicknuts:

:diablo:

[Nightflyer]

No problem at all, always glad to help.

If you have anything else you want a second set of eyes to look over just let me know.

- Mac

Will do sir, and you too.

Cheers.
Nightflyer

[Nightflyer]

:dsp:

*leaves thread*

:bye:

[3/6]

:bye:

:kicknuts:

:diablo: