0
Day of the Dead (2008 Remake) Review...
Movies don't come much worse than this. This movie, is so bad,
that I don't even want to watch it again. George Romero's classic
"Day of the Dead," from 1985 was awesome, despite its flaws, but
this remake was the perfect chance to use Romero's original
script for "Day," but what do they do? They hire the Dudelson
(not kidding that is their name) Bros, two former porno directors
who brought us "Contagium," a movie I bought at Blockbuster for
two bucks and sold on ebay for ninety-nine cents-- that's just
how fucking bad it is. I actually didn't even buy the new "Day,"
I watched a pirate copy on an underground website that hosts
movies that haven't come out yet. I did this for two reasons,
one, there's no chance in Hell I'm going to give the Dudelson
Bros money, and two, I knew it'd be bad, so what would be the
point in plunking down my hard earned cash to watch this shit?
Okay, now onto the review. The movie starts off with, oh, this is
a surprise, some kids out in a cabin or something in the middle
of the woods making out. THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING WOODS, HOW
MANY FUCKING MOVIES CAN YOU MAKE THAT TAKE PLACE IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE FUCKING WOODS?! But I digress, so the kids are making out,
then one of them gets a nosebleed and basically turns into a
zombie and kills the others, I think. It was just so horribly
made that I can't remember all the details and there's no chance
in fuck that I'm ever watching it again. So then we go and meet
all the soldiers, Captain Rhodes, who is inexplicably and in-
excusably a "good guy" in this movie (for those of you who have
not seen the original, Rhodes was a BAD MAN), Salazar and Sarah--
who wasn't even a soldier in the original movie. So, the soldiers
have basically put up a roadblock on street in town hoping it
will keep the zombies in. What they don't know is that the VIRUS
is AIRBORNE! Oh, here's another horribly cliche trick, an airborne
zombie-virus, why can't it just spread through the bites, like in
a GOOD ZOMBIE MOVIE? I digress, again. So anyway now we got all
sorts of sick people in the hospital, all of them sick from
nosebleeds. Here's where we meet Doc Logan, who is inexplicably
and in-excusably a "bad guy" in this 'retelling' of the classic.
Doctor Logan and Sarah and Nick Cannon all try to escape the
zombie-infested hospital, oh, which reminds me, the zombies in
this movie not only run, but they climb on walls, shoot guns and
I think one of them drives at one point, but anyway, Logan some-
how manages to get out of there and he drives off. Sarah, Nick
Cannon and a new character 'Bud,' who I'm assuming they meant to
call "BUB," get out, but uh-oh, Bud's been bitten! Bud turns into
a zombie but he doesn't attack Sarah and Nick Cannon because he
was a vegetarian in life. Oh, okay, that makes sense, a person
infected with the fatal zombie-virus, which gives someone an
insatiable craving for human flesh (hence the tagline, 'the need
to feed') decides not to eat human flesh because he remembers
that he was a vegetarian in life. Yeah, wait, what?! No, it makes
no sense whatsoever. Now we got running, driving vegetarian
zombies all over the place! No! I want my zombies to shamble
about mindlessly, eating people with no remorse and inhabit
shopping malls the way they were meant to. So now somehow Sarah,
Nick Cannon and Zombie-Bud are out in the woods where they come
across the cabin or whatever the fuck it was that those kids were
making out in at the beginning of the movie, and it's from here
that they find their way into an underground bunker, military
high-tech facility thing. I think it's supposed to be a reference
to the ENTIRE SETTING OF THE 1985 CLASSIC, but I don't know,
because this whole movie is so fucked up that it's practically
illegible, even for a movie-whore like myself. So they're in the
bunker and guess who's there, oh, it's Logan again! And it turns
out Logan created the virus that makes people into zombies, or at
least, his friend did, who they keep saying is like, the uber-
zombie or something. So now Logan teams up with Sarah, Bud and
Nick Cannon, Bud somehow gets separated from the group (he's a
mindless walking corpse, I wonder how that happened) and they
decide their going to bomb the bunker back to the fires from
whence it came. So, they plant bombs, I think, I don't remember
if the bombs were already there or not, it wouldn't surprise me
because the movie was written more poorly than a Sci-Fi Channel
Original movie. They plant the bombs, super-zombie comes out,
kills Logan, then tears off Bub's head and crushes him. Sarah
goes into an apparently "bomb-proof" room and sets off the bomb.
The last thing we see is Sarah, Nick Cannon and some third person
who wasn't really important to the plot driving away into the
mountains, but then, one last shock scare, as a zombie pops up
and screams. I was so mad when this movie was over. Between the
hiring of the Dudelson Bros and the not using Romero's awesome
first-draft script, I'm dumbfounded as to how this movie even got
made. But, I suppose these things happen, and you can't help
invalids like the Dudelsons, or the Sci-Fi Channel. All this, and
Uwe Boll gets to keep on making movies. Oh, what a world.
~ Bronner