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  1. #1
    NewFound_Horror
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    Breaking News: Jason Voorhees Test Positive For Steroids!

    Jason Voorhees answered one big question Friday, admitting his mother repeatedly injected him with a substance from the Crystal Lake. The Friday the 13th franchise star blamed his 2008 positive test on being old but yet having to feel new. "I knew we weren't taking Tic Tacs," nodded Jason, who was joined at the head table by victims who he had killed earlier in the franchise.

    Before a horde of reporters at Camp Crystal Lake, Voorhees began by nodding a statement in which he again apologized for taking banned drugs from 2004-2008 while he was training for his upcoming 2009 project.

    Then Jason turned to his future teenager sex-crazed victims and searched for the right words.

    It took 37 seconds a break in which he looked side to side, blinked several times, tilted his mask and took a sip of water through a straw then finally looked up and nodded.

    "Thank you."

    Jason nodded he wasn't sure how the drug use helped him, but admitted he had more energy to kill and felt more excitement when killing.

    The eight-time M.V.K and horror film's highest-paid slasher spoke at Crystal Lake's spring camp 10 days after the reports that he tested positive in 2008.

    For years, Voorhees denied using performance-enhancing drugs. But when reports showed he was on a list of 26 killers who tested positive during horror film's 2004 survey, along with killers like Leatherface, The Tall Man, Michael Myers, Candyman, The Little Girl From The Ring, Chucky, and The Creeper.

    None of the killers would discuss Jason's latest confession.

    The 42-year-old Jason has killed 173 sex-crazed teens (including when his soul was in other people's body) and is said by many to be the greatest slasher of all time.

    "He's a huge investment to the camp. Jason had a ton of potential, his rookie season when he first returned to the camp was insane. He made a definite statement; killing anybody, big titty, little titty, it didn't matter. But as time passed, I felt like he wasn't killing these young topless sluts like he use to. You could really see it in Freddy vs. Jason," camp adivsor Brian Knottingham said.



    First to report, KingoftheHorror, very sad day.

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    - The most influential character of all time

  2. #2
    The Architect
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    FrighT MasteR's Avatar
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    :starefreak:

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  3. #3
    UHM's #1 Killer
    Half of life is fucking up,
    the other half is dealing with
    it.
     
    KING's Avatar
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    :mhehe: awesome.

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    "(Insanity) is not hubris, not pride; it is inflation of the ego to its ultimate - confusion between him who worships and that which is worshiped.
    Man has not eaten God; God has eaten man." Philip K. Dick The Man in the High Castle (1962)

  4. #4
    Have drums will travel
    You're a ship out to sea and I
    am a storm cloud forming...
     
    Lemmywinks's Avatar
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    "Killing anybody big titty,little tiity.":lol2:

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    Why put off until tomorrow to what can be avoided all together.

    Being the best shite in the toilet doesn't mean anything other than you're still shite.....-Dexter

  5. #5
    Master of Brutality
    Back to this fun stuff.
     
    UzumakiW's Avatar
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    That was a good read.

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    "We all go a little mad sometimes"

  6. #6
    Fury of Polaris
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    Cheers, that was pretty good. Haha

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    "Isn't it worth it? All good things must come to a painful end, but isn't that one instance of pain worth the memories we create before then? In exchange for that one moment of sorrow, we gain so many chances for happiness. I will not deny those chances in fear of that day when things will end. Would you not strive to be among the stars, even knowing you would have to return to Earth? As I strive to be with you, knowing I will have to return to being alone one day. It is worth it."

  7. #7
    Child of the Grave
    The Duke of NY...A#1
     
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    "I knew we wern't taking tic tacs," knods Jason.



    sweet

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    "Wake up sucker, we're thieves and we're bad guys. That's exactly what we are."


  8. #8
    Assistant Webmaster
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  9. #9
    Rotting Zealot
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    over the years i somehow figured the swamp itself somehow played into jasons anilities: it heals him and gives him his strength.

    kind of like swamp thing or solomon grundy.

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  10. #10
    Diz mutha F'er got banned!
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    HA! WTF?!

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  11. #11
    Fresh Zealot
    I am high.
     
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    "Breaking News" You suck

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    Steelbaz Youtube Channel


    Nosferatu = UHM's Snitch

  12. #12
    Cowboy From Hell
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    levil666's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by glamorilla View Post
    over the years i somehow figured the swamp itself somehow played into jasons anilities: it heals him and gives him his strength.

    kind of like swamp thing or solomon grundy.
    Crystal Lake=Jason's Fountain of youth; but kiss of death to anyone who skinny dips in his sacred pool of rejuvenation. Nice post, and so fitting with the times.

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    "Obliterate the screams of the weak
    Who needs a god when you've got Satan
    No god to offer this forgiveness
    No god to punish for these sins
    Tormented for the prize of salvation
    Broken loyalty to life after death"



  13. #13
    Cowboy From Hell
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    Crystal Lake=Jason's Fountain of youth; but kiss of death to anyone who skinny dips in his sacred pool of rejuvenation. Nice post, and so fitting with the times.

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    "Obliterate the screams of the weak
    Who needs a god when you've got Satan
    No god to offer this forgiveness
    No god to punish for these sins
    Tormented for the prize of salvation
    Broken loyalty to life after death"



  14. #14
    skybrick
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    That was pretty creative. Nice work.

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