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  1. #1
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    Carl's 5-Minute Film Reviews

    I review horror movies daily on my blog along with tons of pics, articles, lists, and (hopefully) interviews, so I thought I would add reviews on here as well for anyone thats interested. Visit my blog for backlogged reviews and more!

    http://i-like-horror-movies.blogspot.com/

    Most recent additions:

    She-Devils on Wheels (1968):
    I had to start fast forwarding through this one 15m in.. Terrible Exploitation flick about a group of biker chicks that street race then bone dudes. Theres a fight at one point, but the majority of the movie is mindless filler that cant possibly have an audience. Theres no nudity before you ask Exploitation fans, just handfuls of boring and stupid. Avoid. 2/10.

    Cannibal Apocalypse (1980): A strange hybrid of cannibal and post-DotD zombie action, with John Saxon starring as a Vietnam Vet that has been infected with a transferable virus that causes flesh eating tendencies. He and a group of Vets return to Atlanta and seige the city on a murderous rampage. Considerably less gory and sensational than Holocaust, but with an equal amount of striking social commentary on America's discarded Vets exacting their revenge on society. Shot well, acted well, but it is a strange flick that cant easily be categorized. I prefer Holocaust, Mountain, and Ferox to this one, but it is still a solid entry. Recommended to Italian fans for sure! 7/10.

    The Being (1983): Stupid. Terrible. Awesome. Easily one of the best and worst flicks I have seen in a while, a completely cheesy throwback monster movie from the 80s. Tons of goo and blood, cheap monster effects, a rubber costume, but damn if it isnt entertaining as hell. A mutant monster terrorizes Idaho, while the city neglects to do anything for fear of the impact it will have on the potato industry. The cover art alone is fantastic, this is a must see for fans of The Thing and classic scifi/horror! 7/10.

    Invaders from Mars (1986): Much like the neighboring Lifeforce, this Tobe Hooper offering has better creatures and effects than it does acting or plot. A small town falls prey to a hostile alien colonization, and its up to one boy to stop them! Seems fun, but the pacing drags and the characters are all pretty annoying. Karen Black particularly stands out with outrageous overacting in this one. The aliens are pretty cool, but dont excuse the rest of the film. For a cheesy alien romp thats safe for family fun its worth a go. 6/10.

    Axe (1974): Three criminals pick the wrong farm to hold up in as a disconnected young girl dispatches them one by one! Subtle grindhouse flick that looks and feels much like LHotL, made on a shoestring budget with no name actors and few sets. The gore is shot tastefully in cutaways, but there is still plenty of the red stuff. At just over an hour, the film is short but concise, and is more effective that way with less filler. Its Reservoir Dogs meets Lizzie Borden, recommended! 7/10.

    The Boogens (1981): Sets up for a decent monster flick, but doesnt ever break out into anything above average. A mining crew unleashes some ghoulish beasts when they attempt to reopen a mine, with deadly results! The build, acting, and scares are all done fairly well, but they boil into an anti-climatic end with a cheap rubber whatsit that fails to impress. Worth a shot for a little blood, a little gore, and a little monster action. 7/10.

    Strange Invaders (1983): Good throwback to 50s scifi horror, where a husband attempts to locate his wife who has returned to her home town, one whose occupants vanished mysteriously and were replaced by aliens! The makeup and practical effects are fantastic, and the film creates a beautiful nostalgia of 50s film. The trouble is the pacing, as the film slows to a crawl at times. Look for Nancy Allen and Paul LeMat in leading roles. Recommended for popcorn scifi fun! 7/10.

    New York Ripper (1982): Trashy Fulci giallo that is far from his best. Im the only person I know that doesnt like this flick, but after two viewings nothing has changed. There is a little gore, including a nipple and eyeball razor slice, but overall this falls disasterously short of the other giallo and slasher entries of the time. To top it off, the killer talks like a duck the entire movie. I dont know who convinced him this would be a clever gimmick, since it only goes from annoying to more annoying. Recommended only for giallo completists. Rating: 6/10.

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  2. #2
    Deadbeat posting at dawn
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    woodenheart's Avatar
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    That is pretty cool ,went on your blog thingy..nice pictures...you have one with George Romero :mhehe:

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  3. #3
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    Dragonmanes's Avatar
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    Thanks! Hoping to have 2-3 reviews up daily, all depends on what I can geet away with with the wife. Shes been on an X-Files kick so I have been losing a lot of movie time but I rarely miss a day! I have a short attention span and hate reading long reviews that give away too much of the movie, so this 5-Minute review format suits me well.

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  4. #4
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    FrighT MasteR's Avatar
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    Good stuff; very reminiscent of how I used to review films before I started UHM :thumbup3:

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  5. #5
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    Awesome then Im on the right track I just love the genre and love watching movies, my main goal is to help new and old fans find new films they may not have seen otherwise, which is why Im here too!

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  6. #6
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  7. #7
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    Piranha (1978): Easily the best of the Jaws rip offs, but at least it is self-aware (note the Jaws arcade in the opening scene). This time, a bio-engineered piranha with military implications being unleased on an unsuspecting river resort, with bloody results! As cheesy as the film is, the acting and directing are good, and the fish effects make for B-movie fun. Who can beat a river full of bloodied, half eaten children? Must see for Animals Attack fans but highly recommended to everyone! 8/10.

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  8. #8
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    Night of the Werewolf (1980): Probably Naschy's crowning acheivement in the Hombre Lobo series, if not the most successful. Beautiful coloring and atmosphere, with a vintage gothic appeal. The direction in the film is superior to many of the earlier entries, with a more craftsmanly approach in set design and effects. The makeup is fantastic, the only distracting thing is the overly theatrical performances of the vampires. Waldermor Daninsky returns from the grave once again to battle his vampiress master! Recommended to any Gothic horror or werewolf fan! 8/10.

    Piranha 2 (1981): The most unbelieveable part of this entire Jaws-clone is that it was directed by James Cameron. The film is even more Jawsy than its predecessor, placed on a tropical island resort that doesnt want to warn the tourist of the impending piranha/grunion/flying fish mutants that are about to jack their shit up. The plot is grossly retread, acting ranges from ok to terrible, but thankfully Cameron does manage some ok makeup and effects, or at least the best possible end result given the presumably $0 budget. The film stinks, bad, but Piranha fans can likely put aside its flaws for cheap fishy fun. 3/10.

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    Last edited by Dragonmanes; 03-07-2009 at 10:01 AM.

  9. #9
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    Cry_Wolf (2005): Actually a fairly decent teen horror, with interesting editing, vivid colors, and better than average teen acting. A group of private school teens convince the campus that a killer is stalking students, but as the friends begin disappearing, they must find out if everything is a huge joke or if a real killer is on the loose. Much smarter than most teen horror, with a good reveal, but unfortunately the film doesnt retain rewatchability after seeing the ending. Still, recommended as a clever slasher entry. 7/10.

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  10. #10
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    The Gruesome Twosome (1967): The typical absurd plot and dreadful acting you would come to expect from HG Lewis, but coupled with the same bloody payoffs. A deranged mother and her idiot son own a wig shop, and offer young women large sums for their hair. Little do they know, it'll cost them their head!!1 There is some aweful humor that is so bad it becomes funny again, and the scalping/gutting scenes rank up there with Blood Feast, but the plot isnt as entertaining as many of the other Lewis entries. Remains a staple for gore fans! 5/10. Gore: 8/10.

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  11. #11
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    so u gonna keep posting them here or start new threads?

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  12. #12
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    I typically review 2-3 films per day, so rather than take up more board space than necessary and make it easier for people that dont care to avoid my reviews, I prefer to keep them all in a single thread

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  13. #13
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    Something Weird (1968): A man is brutally scarred and gains ESP after being electrocuted, then seeks the help of a witch to restore his looks in exchange for his loyalty and sexual devotion. He then uses his new powers to secure fame and fortune while doing the witch's evil bidding. The title couldnt be more appropriate, since the film is an LSD-induced nightmare. It makes little sense, and what does make sense is both boring and stupid. None of the defining HG Lewis blood or gore are anywhere to be found, just a bumbling psychic and even stupider policemen. I would say the worst acting is easily performed by the witch, but when the scale goes from terrible to terribler, its hard to rate the cast in terms of terriblest. This is a big pass, nothing interesting going on the entire film. 4/10.

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  14. #14
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    Are you reviewing these films after watching'em, or are these movies something you've seen a long time ago and reviewing them out of memory?

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    Woops probably should have mentioned that in the intro, all reviews are performed on a 'Have-Seen' basis. I'll only post on a film one time, so subsequent re-watches wont be reposted, but some reviews will be backlogged from my DVDAF account but will only be posted in here after a rewatch, where I will either revise the review if my thoughts or opinions have changed, or leave it as is if they havent. If my wife decides to go on an X-Files bindge and I dont get to anything for a few days, I will sometimes post old reviews for movies I will never watch again, but I will preface the reviews with "Backlogged" if it is a film that I didnt just recently watch.

    Most reviews will be posted immediately following the completion of the film.

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  16. #16
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    :thumbup3:

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  17. #17
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    The Dark (1979): This film really tries to outlive what it really is, a stupid, boring monster romp. It takes way too much time setting up the characters, when none of them are particularly interesting and little that transpires is of much interest to the audience. There is too much waiting for too little payoff, with special effects that wouldnt impress a 5yr old. Reminds me of a terrible ripoff of The Manitou for some reason, probably the ridiculous lazer eyes. Save yourself the trouble. 4/10.

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  18. #18
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    interesting.

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  19. #19
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    Good stuff Dragon.

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    "Wake up sucker, we're thieves and we're bad guys. That's exactly what we are."


  20. #20
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    Blood Sisters (1987): Dreadful slasher flick by porn director Roberta Findlay. This DVD would have been a complete waste if God didnt reach down through the clouds and give mankind the gift of Joe Bob Briggs. Dont watch the film without his commentary track. Period. Otherwise there should be a suicide warning on the cover. A sorority holds its initiation at a haunted whorehouse; boredom ensues. No interesting kills, little blood, some nudity, bland cardboard acting. Pass. 4/10.

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