Carl's 5-Minute Film Reviews

[Dragonmanes]

Zombie Honeymoon (2004): An interesting metaphor for the pain of losing someone to cancer or any other disease. A wife is caught between killing her zombified husband or condoning his cannibalistic tendencies as he continues to transgress into a mindless killer. A smart and original zombie entry, with decent effects, acting, and dialouge for an indie flick. Recommended as a refreshing change of pace that is story based and not an excuse for gore. 7/10.

Innocent Blood (1992): Unsuccessfully tries to marry the vampire film with an organized crime film. A vampiress mistakingly turns an Italian crimelord, and he uses his new powers to try to take over the city with a mob family of draculas. Landis fails to recreate the smart, dark comedy of 'Werewolf,' and we're left with an average vampire tale with one or two decent effects in an otherwise uneventful film. It isnt bad, it just isnt that good. 6/10.

Mother's Day (1980): Another cheesy 80s slasher in the vein of Motel Hell. Three girls are kidnapped and tortured by the dullard sons of a deranged mother on their isolated house in the woods. Whats interesting is the familys motivation to train to hunt and kill incase the mom's (assumingly) more insane sister comes to attack them, leading to bizarre scenes and performances. Theres scattered gore, but go in expecting a dumb trashy slasher with dark comic roots and you wont be disappointed! Rating: 6/10. Entertainment: 7/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Raw Meat (1972): Surprisingly small in scope, but effective suspence/mystery from England. Donald Pleasence plays an eccentric police detective trying to track down a killer in the Underground. Bodies are disappearing, but what he doesnt know is that theyre being eaten! The Descent and Creep have definitely benefited from different aspects of the plot, but with dark, brooding atmosphere and lighting, awesome gory effects, and superior set design, this movie sets itself apart as something new and different for the time. 8/10.

The Night Stalker (1972): Before there were the X-Files, Carl Kolchak was on the case as a smartallicky reporter tracking the deaths of 5 girls that had been drained of blood in Las Vegas. This made for tv vampire romp offers excellent acting and smart but subtle effects, with Darren McGavin stealing the spotlight in every scene. The audience is left guessing whether the killings are supernatural up until the end, which comes all too quickly in this fast paced but short flick. Followed up by The Night Strangler and Kolchak: The Series, each of which come highly recommended! 8/10.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923): This tale introduces a love triangle between the gypsie Esmerelda, an evil aristocrat, and a guardsman caught between a class struggle thats ended with the help of a disfigured hermit. The scale of this film is unbelieveable, with literally hundreds if not thousands of participants flooding the scenes in accurate period ensamble. Chaney commands yet another role as Quasimodo the Hunchback, with more impressive early makeup work. The film has been touched by time, but put into the perspective in which it was made, it is a masterwork of early film from the silent era and a solid classic! 9/10.

[Dragonmanes]

World Gone Mad (1933): When the DA is killed under mysterious circumstances related to massive stock fraud, it is up to a sluethful reporter to crack the case. Another misplaced entry in the Horror Classics 50-pack, which is much more a murder mystery than anything. The usual bland pulp acting, fast talkers, 30s humor.. Offers little to the average horror fan. Pass. 4/10.

[steelba]

Innocent Blood is an underrated gem.

[Dragonmanes]

There are some aspects of the film that I like, particularly the effects sequences and the sound effects laced with the attacks, but overall I just get uninterested while watching it. I'll revisit it again in the next year or so, but it may be my bias against boring ass vampires, theres very few vamp movies that interest me so I hope that didnt weigh too much into the final verdict.

The Lawnmower Man (1992): It is a pity that this well-crafted Cyber Punk film will likely continue to lose appeal with new audiences as it ages, because it is very enjoyable and was groundbreaking at the time of its release. Even today, some of the effects like the scenes of Jobe's mental collapse visualized on screen hold up very well, but other visual effects like the polygonal hornets are extremely outdated. The underlying fears of a world controlled and dominated by a virtual takeover are even more prevalent today in a society reliant on computers and the internet, so the film does continue to work on some level. Overall, it is a very good film that may be past its prime, but is completely worth revisiting. A virtual reality developer enhances a dullards brain powers, accidentally giving him extra-sensory powers that he becomes unable to control. 8/10.

The House that Screamed (1969): Although the film is good in nearly every aspect of actual filmmaking, the pacing kills and the plot is extremely drawn out considering the simplicity of the final reveal. Girls at a reform school continue to run away from the overbearing and spiteful head mistress, but what no one knows is they aren't leaving the campus alive! A few suspenseful murders, but they are few and far between. The acting and dialogue are enough to generate interest though, and the reveal at the end wont fail to please. Its good, but not very action oriented. 7/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Night Warning (1983): Billy gets caught up in a murder investigation when he is caught holding the knife his aunt killed a potential suitor with. The plot thickens when the police investigator finds out that both the victim and Billy may have been gay lovers caught in a lovers quarrel. This unique slasher breaks many taboos, involving homosexuality, incest, and homophobia. After a long but competent build, the tension breaks into a bloody finale. Good overall story and acting, with unconventional turns and a powerful finish. Recommended as an obscure slasher gem! 7/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Night School (1981): Surprising little slasher gem that has a higher cinematic style than most cheap slasher cashins of the time, along with a few creative deaths (the most memorable being the not-so-merry-go-round). Students of a night school are being stalked and decapitated by a mysterious figure clad in motocycle leathers complete with helmet. Decent pace, standard characters, but a fun watch with plenty of kills. Ranks below House on Sorority Row or Happy Birthday to Me, but it's far better than The Forest or Graduation Day. 6/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Evilspeak (1981): Clint Howard plays a dork in a military academy that suffers at his peers feet. He unlocks an ancient and evil book through his computer, then uses Satanic powers to exact his revenge. Howards terrible acting is only outweighed by his sheer ugliness, but outside of a few sweet sets and a bloody ending, the film is a boring drag. We get several hints of suspence that drop off immediately, leaving only the last 10m with any action and brutal gore. Excellent concept, poor execution. 5/10, Gore: 7/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Uncle Sam (1997): Fucking terrible. Bill Lustig, of Maniac and Maniac Cop fame, brings us a boring, stupid slasher about a fallen soldier returning home a zombie, only to wreak havok on unamericans at home in an Uncle Sam costume (ironically, his name was Sam, and he's an uncle). Barfy acting, contrived plot and dialogue, and terrible puns all run amok. The film makes attempts at a socio-politico agenda, but it feels entirely forced and this was definitely the wrong film to prove it. A few ok kills, but not worth the watch. Rating: 3/10. Gore: 6/10.

Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989): This Experimental Japanese horror flick combines elements of Eraserhead and Akira in a futuristic nightmare. A man becomes a living machine after a fateful accident and some interesting repair work. Shot in a completely non-linear style in black and white, with insane imagery and rough but effective editing style, this flick offers amazing visuals but may be too out there for the average horror fan. Does one rate it on originality? Concept? Design? Recommended for an abstract visual experience much in the vein of David Lynch. Tetsuo fans should also be sure to check out Meatball Machine for a comic exaggeration of the same body horror theme. Rating: No Rating.

Red Room (1999): Purely exploitative shock that fails to impress or disgust, leaving the audience with nothing to walk away with. If youre in to people being tortured, drinking piss, and being raped with broken light bulbs, take it, its all yours, but dont expect a cohesive and interesting storyline to tie it all together. Four game show participants must command each other to do whatever it takes to have the others quit in order to win $10M yen. There is some gore, but even that is tame. Leave this to the Exploitation fans. Rating: 5/10. Gore: 7/10.

[Dragonmanes]

The Night Strangler (1973): This made for tv sequel picks up right where The Night Stalker left us, with Kolchak in Seattle hot on a new story about a killer strangling women every 21 years to rejuvinate himself with an elixir of life. The story feels formulaic, closely following the successful structure of the original, but that doesnt necessarily hurt it. McGavin is as strong as ever, pushing the buttons of the local police and annoying Vincenzo with his sharp tongue and quick wit. The film's finale takes us into a huge underground lair beneath the city, giving the film a much larger feel and scope. Though the first film is slightly better, this is another excellent made for tv entry and highly recommended!

Rating: 7/10.

[IKickAssForTheLord]

Uncle Sam, I remember seein' that Cover all the time. Just never picked it up.

[steelba]

where is the rating for Tetsuo

[Dragonmanes]

Yeah that lenticular VHS cover for Uncle Sam always called to me too back in the good old rental days, I remember seeing it on the shelf near the lenticular for Shadowbuilder and thought it was just a gimmicky ploy to waste my money. Ten years later, I was right.

Its nearly impossible to rate Tetsuo or Eraserhead, do they automatically get 10s for being entirely organic and original? The problem is that rating the films highly would prompt the general DVD viewing audience to go pick the flicks up, when any seasoned horror fan knows that the typical, surface level horror fan will toss a film like Eraserhead or Tetsuo in the garbage since no body knew what they did last summer, and they have no linear structure. The films cant be rated low based on faults that do not apply to them, since they are entirely experimental and destroy typical conventions. All that being said, I wouldnt even know how to rate it if I tried. It would easily rate above a 7, but with experimental film, where can you find fault and what points do you focus the review on? I couldnt decide on the first watch through, so hopefully the second will solidify my opinion on the film :nod:

[steelba]

I wasnt real thrilled with the undertones of the film and wont be rewatchng it, but a 7 is a good spot to put it.

[Dragonmanes]

Im going to put it off until I watch it a second time, I dont have a solid opinion on it yet so hopefully a second viewing will give me a little more bearing on it.

Visiting Hours (1982): Above average 80s slasher with Michael Ironside in one of his best performances as a deranged killer. A journalist with an anti-violence agenda is attacked by a psychopath and sent to the hospital, where he continues to stalk her down its dark halls. Ironside is revealed very early in the picture, and much of the run time is spent exploring his character. This look into the villains psyche is something new and original for the time, and works well with the film. The biggest problem is that there are three leads competing for screen time, so the audience has no one identifiable character, leaving them identifying with the killer for much of the film and forgetting about the protagonist. Very suspenseful, with several nerve-wracking chase scenes and subtle nuances by Ironside that set this film apart, recommended! 7/10.

The Children (1980): Basically the best movie ever made, if you have a liberal interpretation of the word best that also encompasses worst. A busload of children are turned into radioactive mutants by a chemical cloud, after which they return home and burn anyone that comes in contact with them to death. Formulaic and unnecessary, with the little action peaking whenever someone hugs the jacked up kids. Somehow, Harry Manfredini got signed for the music, but every cue is stolen directly from F13th. A big pass on this one, lame killer kids flick that doesnt deliver. Rating: 4/10.

Death Weekend (1978): An ok rape-revenge flick that just feels like too little too late in the wake of LHotL and Night Train Murders. The structure is most similar to I Spit on Your Grave, with a couple pissing off a group of hicks, only to have them kill the man and rape the woman, then have her escape and seek revenge. It will interest fans of the similarly themed films, but the violence, action, and gore are all much milder this time around. The characters are much less comical, but there is nothing to really set the film apart in a time when a films worth was rated on the level of sleaze. Worth checking out, but low priority. Rating: 6/10.

[Dragonmanes]

The Last Man on Earth (1968): Excellent Matheson adaptation starring Vincent Price as the last survivor of a devastating plague that must destroy the plague-ridden vampires by day. The barren city streets and locations make for excellent settings, and the nocturnal ghouls are extremely creepy, yet subtle. The reversal of the vampire mythos is also a welcome deviation. Compared to other horror entries of the time, this is a great late 60s horror entry, and though Price can be campy at times, he and each of the other actors do the story justice. This version of Matheson's timeless plot comes highly recommended for classics fans! 8/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Flight of the Living Dead (2007): Retitled "The Flight Where Nothing Happens For An Hour, Then Zombies Break Out Only Its A Terrible CG Fest With Trash Acting And Dialogue, Adding Nothing To The Genre." Not much more can be said, the film is chocked full of washed up actors, contains tons of logical errors, and the CG effects rival those of any made for SciFi movie. God damn the director for making it sound interesting at the convention, I want my $.33 back from Amazon!! 3/10.

I Eat Your Skin (1964): A writer and his crew are stranded on an island inhabited by a crazed doctor and a tribe of locals that are immersed in voodoo, and it isnt long before zombies begin attacking the newcomers. Standard 60s horror with awful makeup and effects, however there is some unexpected gore (primarily a beheading via machete) and overt sexuality interspersed with drab dialogue and cheesy zombies. For B-movie fun, this will kill some time, but it is easily passable. 4/10.

Medusa (1973): An endurance trial involving a brother and sister that are set to inherit a forture along with other benefitiaries, when the others begin dropping off at the hands of a mysterious killer. Throw in a mafia debt, slow pacing, and bland acting, stir, taste, then throw away. The only thing going through my mind the entire film was "At least I only paid $.16 to watch this, the electricity it cost me to run the TV and DVD player was probably more expensive." Lets go with.. Pass. 3/10.

Nightmare Detective (2006): Visually I really enjoyed the film, with some very interesting effects and concepts playing off of the nightmare theme. The stylism implored by Tsukamoto gives it a very cinematic and finished look, and thematically he takes a bold move and uses dream logic, where anything can happen and sets / characters will randomly change like in a real nightmare. The only hindrance is that the nightmares were interspersed with drawn out detective work that killed much of the pacing of the film, much like in H. It is a step in the right direction for J-Horror, moving away from a strict diet of ghosts, ghosts, and ghosts. I did enjoy it more on the second watch through. A detective enlists the help of a psychic that can enter people's dreams to catch a serial killer. Worth checking out! 8/10.

[Dragonmanes]

The Howling (1981): Set in the isolated Colony in the mountains, a young newscaster leaves the city after a brush with a serial killer that has been obsessed with having a heart to heart with her. Not long after being there, she comes to find that there is more to her new neighbors than meets the eye, and finds herself trapped by a secluded community of werewolves. To add to the suspense, the killer has gone missing, and files from the retreat prove that he once lived in the same village she now finds herself in. The Howling offers a unique plot line, interesting characters, an extremely creepy atmosphere set by a foreboding forest and fog effects, ground-breaking special effects, and pissed off werewolves. This isn't your daddy's Wolfman; the creatures in this film shred their victims with razor claws and teeth on screen, rather than choking them or alluding to the action off camera. The use of bladders and an array of other brand new effects are implored to create one of the first physical on screen transformations with few cuts, lending credibility to both the makeup and the effectiveness of the creatures. From start to finish, the film is dark and pessimistic, never offering a moment of relief to any of the characters. This succeeds in maintaining the sinister mood, but also makes it more difficult to relate to the protagonists, who are constantly in a state of fear, dread, or panic. It sets itself apart from any other werewolf film before or since, and though I prefer Landis' American Werewolf in London, this is a staple genre film and a must-see for any horror fan! 9/10.

Howling 2 (1985): Defines 'Terrible Sequel,' but even that doesn't do it justice. Howling 2 is a gem in the fact that it defies logic, mystifies the senses, and completely destroys any chance of establishing The Howling as a serious and artful horror anthology. Rather, we get a porno mocked-up as a horror film with a non-linear (if existent) plot and Christopher Lee in his worst role ever. If you can make Christopher Lee look bad, geez. Karen's brother Ben returns to the old country in an attempt to exact revenge for his sister by destroying Stirba, Queen of the Werewolves, who hosts werewolf orgies set to terrible New Wave in her castle. Despite all of this, it is a must see for all genre fans, since it is literally unbelievable after watching the original. Philippe Mora would go on to direct such classics as Howling 3. 4/10.

Metamorphosis (1990): The film makes a valid effort to be a decent zero budget take on The Fly, but it just doesnt make the mark. It enlists a professor who is working to discover the human genome and becomes the hero villain after running tests on himself as the first human subject, thereby transforming him into a scaly beast. The acting is bearable, but the lengthy exposition is inversely porportionate to the amount of action, and the plot is too derivative of Cronenberg's infinitely superior film. The final rubber monster reveal also destroys what little suspended disbelief the film developed and cheapens the effect. Almost worth watching, but not. 4/10.

A Bell From Hell (1973): A man with a weighty inheritance is released from a mental institute, only to have his aunt and family attempt to drive him mad to usurp his fortune. But they dont know that he wants revenge for them institutionalizing him.. The film crawls to the hour mark, establishing nothing but unlikeable characters and no identifiable hero, then picks up with the revenge theme in the final third. No blood, flacid revenge, and very little bell or hell action (none to be exact). This film is better left forgotten in public domain purgatory. 4/10.

[steelba]

I liked the Howling more than AWIL and the Howling 2 is my ultimate guilty pleasure movie :mhehe:

Metamorphasis: The Alien Factor was a solid B movie, but like you said it's meh.

[Dragonmanes]

See im wondering if the Metamorphosis I saw was Alien Factor, I dont think it was because Alien Factor was supposed to be an 'in name only' sequel to Deadly Spawn, and this seemed entirely different. The one I saw was part of the Chilling Classics 50 pack, so I am going to try to throw in the copy I have of Alien Factor and see if its the same film. Been meaning to watch it for a while, I friggin love Deadly Spawn so Im hoping it is at least similarly themed. This Metamorphosis must have been made for VHS, and I believe it was released 3 years prior to the other.

Howling 4 tops my guilty pleasures list, I dont have any rational explanation for why I like that film but Ive always had a soft spot for it. Will be rewatching each of the sequels minus 7 again this week. I actually really enjoy 6, but Ill wait to get into that until I review it :nod: