Carl's 5-Minute Film Reviews

[Dragonmanes]

Dementia 13 (1963): A sleek slasher owing much to the success of Psycho, but establishing itself through above average acting, atmospheric settings, and brutal violence. A woman attempts to seize her husbands inheritance by pretending he is away on business and visiting his family back in Ireland after his death. Shortly thereafter, inhabitants of the family castle begin dropping off at the hands of a deranged killer. With several vicious axe attacks both on screen and implied, this is definitely one of the harsher black and white classics, but the story does not fall secondary to the bloodshed, and Coppola delivers a stylish film with a solid foundation and a good (if not expected) ending. Rating: 7/10.

Four Flies on Grey Velvet (1971): A misstep for Argento prior to his horror opus Deep Red that offers some of his suspenseful creativity through music, camera placements, and signature plot reveals, but fails to live up to his gialli made both before and after. A drummer is caught up in a series of murders after being framed by a masked assailant with a grudge. On top of the awkward humor and characters, the film just isnt overly interesting and doesnt introduce anything unique enough to set it apart in the peak gialli era. It is worth checking out for Argento and gialli completists, but it is not an exemplar of his work. Rating: 7/10.

[steelba]

it's not similiar to the Daedly Spawn whci I also dig immensley

i like the Howling 5 alot.

[Dragonmanes]

I know Howling 5 is given a bad wrap for barely showing the werewolf, but I agree its a fun murder mystery with some sweet sets in the castle. The VHS cover always scared the crap out of me when I was a kid. Have you seen Howling 7 yet? I honestly cant bear to watch it again, f'ing terrible..

Ill get a review going for Alien Factor soon, and Ill try to find out why I think its related to DS

[steelba]

u were correct about the 'un-official sequel', it just isn't one imo.
No i've never seen H7, got 20 mins into it b4 I had to split, heard it was awful though

[Dragonmanes]

I'll break my normal canon and repost my old review without rewatching after I post the others, but jesus christ, its like watching senior citizens in some hick town drink beer in a bar for over an hour, then literally 2 seconds of werewolf in the final 5m. They are marketing geniuses though, because that cover art was probably the most memorable werewolf VHS cover I can remember. Assholes.

I figured Metamorhposis was a sequel as much as Troll 2 was lol..

Howling 3 (1987): Genuinely awful sequel, but there is some strange charm about the terribleness that makes the film watchable. It is ripe with self-parody, but unfortunately the humor falls pretty flat and is extremely cheesy. In it, the werewolves take to the outback, and a shewolf becomes romantically entwined with a local boy, resulting in some of the strangest and most disturbing fetal werewolf scenes in history. Bad acting, bad costumes, bad dialouge, bad everything, yet infinitely superior to Howling 2. Werewolf fans, you really have no choice but to see it no matter how bad it is, what the hell else are you going to watch, American Werewolf for the 100th time? Rating: 5/10.

The Awful Doctor Orlof (1964): Jess Franco's debut horror film offers a dark gothic shocker constructed as an amalgamation of many pop culture influences (from Eyes Without A Face to The Blind Dead), but adds its own unique charm. A doctor and his malformed apprentice kidnap women to steal there skin in order to graph it on to his burnt sister. Excellent lighting and mood, depicting the dark side of Paris nightlife. Vernon plays a charming but sinister villain, and the blind Morpho eerily stalks his prey by sound. Recommended classic Spanish horror! Rating: 8/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Howling 4 (1988): Though this entry comes off as a poor retread of the original with very little merit, I consider it to be the scariest of the sequels. The costume of the lead shewolf is far superior to those of the other films, and it is the most vicious in the series outside the original. The characters and acting are expectedly bland, but if you can make it through to the horror scenes, it offers some decent atmosphere and suspense. A writer leaves for a small town after a stress-induced episode in the city, only to learn that she has taken up residence in a community of werewolves! It is an admited guilty pleasure, but worth a watch. 6/10.

Elvira's Haunted Hills (2001): Elvira is back to her kooky hijinks in her long overdue reprisal of the character, but although the film offers some excellent set design and matte paintings reminiscent of the classic Gothic films, it ultimately isnt as smart or punny as the original. Elvira is taken in by a strange family in a Carpathian castle since she resembles the fathers dead wife, when she becomes entangled in murder, lust, betrayal, and bad jokes. The murder mystery is pretty generic, and her usual wit is replaced with cartoony physical gags and cheap laughs. Fans can forgive the inherent flaws, but overall it is a lackluster followup worth a few giggles. 5/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Wendigo (2001): One of the rare occasions where the characters were overdeveloped for what little the plot finally accomplishes. A family has a run in with a hunter after hitting a deer, causing a continued strife that comes to a head with the father is mysteriously shot while sledding. The son calls upon an ancient spirit to exact revenge for his father. The characters are slowly and methodically established, presumably to create a bond between the father and audience when he is shot, but the lack of action leads to a slow build with little payoff. The reveal of the spirit in the end is pretty cool, but it is too little too late. Fessenden does show some directorial skill by adapting many interesting camera techniques (mostly stolen), but in the end this is just an ok flick. 6/10.

Howling 5 (1989): A tame murder mystery set in an abandoned castle turned tourist attraction that is being visited by a group of elitists from around the world that must figure out who amongst them is a werewolf before its too late. Maybe 30s of screen time for the rug/werewolf that you see in glimpses during choppily edited death scenes and generic acting. Very little gore to make up for the standard plot and slow pacing, but the superior set design does make for decent atmosphere, and it does keep you guessing. It isnt great, but it gets a worse wrap than it deserves and probably has the biggest body count in the series. 5/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Howling 6 (1991): This is actually a decently executed carnival / werewolf tale of a man trapped into being an attraction in a traveling carnival headed by a sinister vampire. The makeup is very ambitious and original, with full haunches on the wolf and a bald, black skinned vampire unlike any other. The freaks are empathetic and equally well constructed both visually and emotionally. Though the acting may not be great, this sequel stands out in the series and is a worthwhile watch, recommended! 7/10.

Nomads (1986): Im assuming there is something going on in this movie that I have been unaware of after two views, because I just dont get it. A doctor relives a another man's memories after he dies in her arms. In the visions, the professor follows a roving band of punks that he believes live outside of human comprehension, and live without rules. I cant get past the fact that the visions switch from 1st to 3rd perspective when they are supposedly memories, it destroys the illusion and doesnt make sense. The story itself is ok, but follows the mythology of the Innuat legend without giving much insight of the legend to the viewer. It is presumptuous and poorly constructed in my opinion, but the plot is new and original and does offer decent acting and several suspenseful moments. Check it out if not for a single view. Rating: 6/10.

Plaga Zombie - Mutant Zone (2001): Sweet little indie zombie flick that is an absolute must-see for any Evil Dead fan. The film is much bigger in scope and production value than Automaton Transfusion, which shares similar production qualities and budget. A team of misfit heroes battle a plague of zombies after being sentenced to an infected town. Tons of splatter, gore, and humor that transcends the language barrier. Each of the heroes are unique and very funny, and director Pares shows huge potential in his framing and editing techniques. Highly recommended for any B-Movie or zombie fan! 8/10.

[Dragonmanes]

House on Haunted Hill (1999): Over stylized garbage horror remake made for the MTV generation. Five strangers are invited to stay the night in an abandoned asylum with the prospect of winning $1M each, if they live through the night! Malone manages to offer style over substance once again, with a few interesting visuals, but no scares and dreadfully forced dialogue. The only thing going for the film are the amazing sets, which is sad considering the above average cast. To top everything off, the film closes with a confusing CG shlockfest to leave the audience dumbfounded. Big pass on this one. 5/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Non-Canon Review - Howling 7 (1995): This is such an unbelievably terrible excuse for anything, its seriously like they went to the smallest middle American town in the US and just filmed their daily lives at the bar. You see the werewolf (thankfully) once in the closing scene, for one second, and that one second is better than the thousands preceeding it. A mysterious biker holes up in a small western town, when its inhabitants begin dying under mysterious circumstances slash animal attacks. This is bad for a Howling sequel, which in itself should tell you how bad it must be compared to the average horror film. Honestly, the coolest thing about this film was the awesome VHS cover, damn that was sweet, what a deceitful cover. 2/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007): Defying all logic, this D2DVD sequel is much better than the remake, and is actually a decent watch. Loaded with gore slash hot naked zombies making out, awesome gags, and a brain amputation. Two rival groups return to the haunted hospital to recover a sacred statue that makes ghosts get naked and make out. Most of them die. The dialogue is pretty throwaway and the plot is generic, but it is visually interesting and plenty bloody. It also creates a solid bridge between the previous film and the backstory. I would actually recommend this to anyone for at least a single "turn your brain off" view! 6/10.

Roman (2006): Angela Bettis and Lucky McKee swap roles in this dark character study that serves as a companion piece to the phenomenal May. Roman is a disturbed, quirky welder that envisions himself with the girl next door. When they finally hit it off, something goes terribly wrong, and Roman is sent spinning in a downward spiral within his psyche. McKee seems uncomfortable infront of the camera, but it sells the awkwardness of the character. The films strength lies in its slow and careful character development, and though there arent many scares, the film is definitely disturbing. For a small scale, artsy indie horror entry, this is a a unique and interesting viewing experience, but will not serve the tastes of anyone looking for blood and guts. 7/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Werewolves on Wheels (1971): I waited 5 years to see this DVD, and it didnt disappoint. All things considered, this film is better than it should be. Despite the grindhouse plot and zero budget, the production qualities are extremely high and professional. Though there are far more wheels than werewolves, the effects and makeup are reminiscent of Naschy's Hombre Lobo and done very well. This southern gothic tale follows a biker gang that is cursed by a satanic cult after dessicrating their temple, turning them into bloodthirsty biker werewolves! Only recommended if that plot sounds amazing to you. 6/10.

[IM_UndeaD]

Return to House on Haunted Hill (2007): Defying all logic, this D2DVD sequel is much better than the remake, and is actually a decent watch. Loaded with gore slash hot naked zombies making out, awesome gags, and a brain amputation. Two rival groups return to the haunted hospital to recover a sacred statue that makes ghosts get naked and make out. Most of them die. The dialogue is pretty throwaway and the plot is generic, but it is visually interesting and plenty bloody. It also creates a solid bridge between the previous film and the backstory. I would actually recommend this to anyone for at least a single "turn your brain off" view! 6/10.

:bigthumbup:

[Dragonmanes]

Neon Maniacs (1986): If the film moved as quickly as it did in the first 10m, it would have been fantastic. As it is, there are some excellent costumes and makeup for the group of freaks, but it struggles with pacing at several points. A group of teens are attacked by a motley band of freaks, leaving only two survivors that are stalked by the mutants. I like that the origin of the mutants is never explained, and the film definitely has a campy 80s appeal. This was a pleasant surprise with good gags, interesting and unique monsters, and standard 80s teen acting. It isnt great, but it is a fun watch. 7/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Black Roses (1988): Parents finally have something to fear when a Satanic rock band comes to town and makes all of the kids cracka ass crazy with their evil music. The premise for this dark satire is a great idea, but the execution just comes off as corny and amateurish. Some of the leads are downright silly, and the Black Roses are definitely locked in the big hair, S+M 80s. The effects range from good to ridiculous, but for what it is, this is another cheesy but watchable late-80s entry that is worth at least a single viewing. 6/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Bad Biology (2008): Pure Henenlotter, with a twisted and perverse sexuality and darkly humorous undertones. A man and woman with morbidly evolved junk are drawn together after living isolated and lonely lives apart. The body horror theme is reminiscent of Rabid and Henenlotter's own Brain Damage, taking the theme to the extreme with a man-eating vagina and self-aware 4ft penis that are just looking for love. One cant help but laugh at the absurdity as a detached penis goes on a raping rampage, but despite the asinine plot, the film is handled professionally and is very smart and funny. Recommended as something entirely unique and original, but you might want to watch it without the girlfriend or wife. 8/10.

Autopsy (2007): Gierasch's directorial debut isnt as strong as his writing in his previous films. Though there are several gratuitous gore scenes, the plot wears desperately thin, and none of the characters are particularly interesting. For the budget though, the film takes full advantage of the creepy hospital setting, makeup, and gags. For what its worth, the gore can carry the audience through most of the plot, but this is a passable release. A group of kids end up in a fucked up hospital after a car accident and die at the hands of its crazed medical staff. 6/10.

[Dragonmanes]

Tormented (1960): Standard ghost revenge plot where a man's obsessed mistress falls to her death, and returns from the grave to drive him to insanity and prevent him from marrying the one he loves. There are some decent visual effects and gags, and the acting is good enough to carry the picture. The slow fall into dementia is also reminiscent of I Bury the Living, using smart visuals and props to propel the protagonists psychosis. All in all, an ok ghost tale worth a watch for classics buffs. 6/10.

[Dragonmanes]

The Children (2008): England brings us this killer kids chiller echoing Who Can Kill A Child, where a family struggles to survive when their children become infected with a virus that causes them to lash out, with deadly results. Much of the more brutal violence occurs off screen and is implied, giving the film a sense of taste, but cutting back to show the bloody results. The children each look innocent and completely normal, which adds to the integrity of the plot instead of filling it with evil ass kids you would want to kill without provocation. The suspense surmounts with low, dreadful music cues and clever camera work rather than just cheap jump scares and gore, putting this a step ahead of many other genre films. It is very enjoyable and creepy, definitely recommended! 8/10.

Dead Snow (2009): The genre has been long overdue for another zombie SS squadron film, and this one does not disappoint! A group of friends head to a remote cabin in the snow for drunken debauchery when they are accosted by zombie Nazis that want their gold. With a plot like that, expect awesome, over the top gore, gooey humor, and plenty of genre references. The characters and dialogue are above average, and though the plot follows the NotLD structure closely, it manages to bring a life of its own with plenty of originality. Tons of blood, tons of gore, and tons of laughs. Highly recommended, in the vein of Dead Alive and The Evil Dead! 8/10.

Willard (1971): Willard is a mild mannered, eccentric invoice processor that seeks revenge against his aggressors using the rats he has trained to do his bidding. Considering the scale, the rats were trained considerably well, which sells the believability of the plot. Davison is also an excellent Willard, without going too over the top as Glover did in the remake. There are moments that drag, but overall this is an enjoyable revenge flick that surpasses the remake. 7/10.

[steelba]

might have to check this dead snow

[Dragonmanes]

I havent read any negative reviews on it, its a real blast, I still prefer Plaga Zombie over it but this set the bar high for 2009 indie flicks!

PIN (1988): A domineering father teaches his kids the facts of life through an anatomically correct dummy he speaks through, but when the father dies, the son continues to speak through the doll, convinced it is alive and commanding him to kill. Completely unique in almost every way, with competent acting and an alarmingly realistic dummy. The suspense builds as the son becomes increasingly obsessed with the doll, speaking to it daily, dressing it, and moving it into their home. The film is a strange and captivating character study recommended as a subtle psychological horror entry. 7/10.