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This is going to contain some spoilers so if you are interested in seeing this vile piece of shit, don't read any further.
I'm not really good at reviews so this is going to be more of a MSTK3K style making fun of the movie, play by play.
As Above, So Below easily ranks as one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life. This includes the hours of my life that I've lost to low-budget shit flicks and even the hours of my life that I don't mind losing to "so funny that they are bad" movies. This was, from a film making standpoint.. as well as from a story stand point one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life.
In the beginning we are on a bus crossing the border into Iran.. where we meet the hero of the story "Scarlett" who is a triple PhD graduate from London University currently on the most dangerous trip in her life. She is sneaking into Iran because the evil government is demolishing a set of caverns that could quite possibly contain long lost secrets of a long lost culture. She briefly takes off her hijab to say to the camera that only she is able to discover/save this artifact and that the government would kill her if they knew what she was doing.. but they would have to CATCH her first, she winks as she puts back on her disguise. Honestly, I was surprised to find out the actress, Perdita Weeks was actually born in Wales because I thought her British accent was the cheesiest thing ever and it kept going in and out throughout the movie. So she finds the door to what she's looking for, but she gets frustrated so she rips off her hijab in disgust taking the time to mention, "HOW can anyone live in these things" you know, just to let the audience know that the director is politically aware of stuff and shit. So she finds the secret behind the door (it's a big black cow sculpture), gets it on her camcorder and escapes JUST as the construction crew ends their countdown and blows up the caverns.
So now she has this secret, but it's in Aramaic..and while our dear Scarlett speaks 4 different languages.. fluently.. and two dead languages... fluently (yes, she takes the time to tell you this) she doesn't actually speak Aramaic, BUT she knows exactly who does.. the scene shifts to the Notre Dame in Paris. She leads her cameraman over to a hidden door towards the back of the cathedral.. "What are you doing?!?" the cameraman asks in disbelief. Don't worry, it's just Scarlett picking a lock to get into the super secret area of the Notre Dame cathedral. "What are we doing here?!?!" Asks the cameraman in disbelief. Don't worry, Scarlett knows this mystery guy who apparently likes to break in to places like this and fix things that are broken. Cue in the love interest, an early 30s AMERICAN who is covered in grease and sweat and obviously has a bone to pick with Scarlett. "Why did you ditch me after the job in Turkey?" He asks, the light catching his lopsided grin. Scarlett blushes and tries to explain that it wasn't her fault, she had to do what she had to do. So Scarlett continues to fill in the love interest. Out of nowhere, gears start to turn.. whatever he was trying to fix has obviously been fixed.. and they need to get out of there FAST. Except they don't. They casually walk to the balcony as the Notre Dame's bells begin to clang and ring out and he laughs and says, "Look at the faces of all of these French people, they haven't heard the sound of these bells in over 300 years." Do they explain why an American in his early thirties was able to fix something that no one else was able to for 300 years? No, there's no time. He's agreed to help Scarlett translate what she found in the caverns. So their next stop is a museum, it looks like the Louvre.. but they don't specifically say it's the Louvre.. maybe they were afraid people were going to think that they were ripping off "The Davinci's Code" or something.. but apparently they weren't afraid of people thinking that they were ripping off "National Treasure" because this scene is a bit for bit ripoff of "National Treasure".. You see, they've found the tablet that they are looking for. The love interest begins to read it out.. but he says that there's nothing there.. nothing that will help them at least. So Scarlett takes out her iPad and shows him what she found in the caverns.. he begins to read it and low and behold there's something on the tablet that tells him to look on the BACK of the tablet. So, ignoring the protests of the other men, Scarlett takes down the tablet and flips it over. BUT THERE'S NOTHING THERE. The two men say well, what do you expect.. BUT Scarlett has a trick up her sleeve. She goes over to the janitor's cart that is nearby and grabs a random bottle of cleaning supplies. She carefully pours it all over the tablet. "What are you doing!?!?!" Both of the men ask. Scarlett asks for the cameraman's matches and low and behold there is a secret bit of writing that can only be seen when you light it on fire. It's a riddle. A riddle. That can be translated perfectly into English. From a tablet written in Aramaic. So they figure the riddle out in 5 seconds and find out that they need to go the catacombs under Paris. So they go on a guided tour. On the tour they see the direction that they need to go.. but it's blocked. "Look for Papi" the brooding guy dressed in black writing in a moleskin journal in the dark that's not part of the tour says. Everyone agrees to look for Papi and as they turn back to thank the brooding guy HE'S GONE
So after a brief visit to an EDM club where they find Papi, at first he says no, but then Scarlett says that there's treasure in the catacombs and whatever they find, Papi gets half, then we are introduced to the catacombs spelunking group. There's Papi who looks like he is a freelance writer for VICE magazine. There's another guy who is pretty nondescript and forgettable. THEN there's a real treat. They have an emo girl named.. get this.. Siouxsie the Banshee (you know, like that emo band Siouxsie and the Banshees from the late '70s?). Except everyone just calls her Siouxsie for short. So Papi leads them to his secret entrance.. except not everyone is going to go down. The love interest, George, has a fear of enclosed spaces because his little brother died in a cavern when they were younger. So everyone is about to set off and leave George.. BUT at that moment the police find them and George has to make a split second decision and becomes a member of the spelunking crew.
Now they are in the super special section of the catacombs. They pass by a room of creepy cultists standing around still with their heads down (ala Paranormal Activity 3) but the group just passes them by, you know.. because everyone down in the catacombs is "cuckoo". So we come to a split in the road. Papi wants to go the safe, known way. Scarlett wants to go down the path that was revealed to her by the secret in the catacombs in the beginning. They fight about it.. but ultimately they choose to go the safe route. Whew. Except as they are going through the safe route there is a cave-in and the group is forced to retreat and take Scarlett's path.. UH-OH-SPAGHETTI-O
So now they are in uncharted territory, did I tell you about Papi's friend that got lost in the catacombs and was never seen again? No? Well his name is Mole. Guess who they meet, immediately in the uncharted territory? Mole. He's fine, he's a bit different and he is wearing blackened goggles.. in a darkened catacomb.. but he tells them that he knows the way out.. you just have to go further down into the catacombs. The group then comes across a piano. "This looks just like the piano my family had when I was a child" but it couldn't be the same piano, that would just be silly. "It couldn't be the same piano" George says, "our piano had a dead A7 key" so George begins to play a little ditty and he strikes the A7 key.. but the key is deadCue an old-timey phone ringing somewhere down in the catacombs. Papi tells them that all of the phone supplies were taken out of the catacombs in the '50s.. but they find one anyway! Scarlett picks up the receiver and there's a creepy voice that says some stuff.. but nothing really happens. Then some other stuff happens, but eventually they find the door that Scarlett was looking for. Behind it is a perfectly preserved Templar's Knight from the Crusades. Why is there a Templar's Knight from the Crusades in the catacombs underneath Paris? Well, we never find out. But beyond him is the treasure. It literally looks like the fake treasure from Smuggler's Den in the South Park episode entitled, "ManBearPig". So the cave spelunking group begins to faun over the treasure. Except for George and Scarlett, they are looking for something else. What are they looking for? Did I not tell you? No? Well, apparently they are down there looking for the Philosopher's Stone. Scarlett looks over some Egyptian hieroglyphics (I know what you are thinking, Egyptian hieroglyphics underneath the catacombs in Paris? wtf?) but she reads the glyphics and finds the Philosopher's stone. "Isn't that clever?" She says, "Hide the most valuable item in the history of mankind right next to the treasure, where no one will look." I'm not making that line up, it's verbatim. Unfortunately, the Smuggler's Den treasure was a trap and the group is forced to dive into the water to escape the cave-in (yeah, there are like four or five cave-ins in this movie) the weird thing is that the room that they escape to looks mysteriously like the room that they just escaped FROM. With one difference, everything is opposite.
(at this point I should point out that I genuinely thought, "ohhhh, so that's why they did the poster like that.. maybe this is a good sign.. maybe the movie will get really good after this... then about five minutes later I came to the realization that this plot development served a very specific purpose. You see, now they can use the EXACT same set pieces, except in reverse order.. pretty clever on the part of the production team)
So now the group is in bizarro, opposite world. Mole freaks out for some reason and bites Siouxsie on the neck.. as she lays dying Papi is crying his poor little French heart out, but Scarlett has an idea! She grabs the Philosopher's Stone and uses it like a salt shaker and dusts the wound on Siouxsie's neck. After a second the wound is healed AND cleaned. Siouxsie lives to cry about another day. So now everyone is really interested in this stone that Scarlett has in her possession, but do they do anything about it? No, because Scarlett rushes past them to a mural on the wall. Suddenly it all makes sense to her. "As Above, So Below" she says.. of course! She explains that it's the basis of all magic.. that whatever you want to be will be. That the world is literally what you make it. Then she comes to the conclusion that to finally escape the catacombs they just need to keep going further down. Then some stone creatures come out of the wall and kill Siouxsie and they get freaked out and run away. Then they find out that there's a guy in a grim reaper Halloween costume following them around. They run away from him and come to an unfamiliar cave-like entrance with Aramaic writing over the top. George walks up and begins to translate, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." I shit you not, that's apparently what it says.. so they enter anyway, even after Scarlett tells them that that is what is supposedly above the gates to hell. They have a repelling scene (yes, another cave-in occurs) and the cameraman falls and dies. George falls and gets mortally wounded.. but he's not dead. So Scarlett rushes over to use her Philosopher's Stone to save him.. except.. nothing happens. George is sputtering something. Scarlett leans in to hear. "Wrong stone" he says. Oh noes! Scarlett realizes that even she was tricked and somehow grabbed the false Philosopher's Stone. Papi tells her that there's no time left. She says that she MUST run back and get the real Philosopher's Stone. (yes, she runs back through the exact same set pieces). But she successfully gets to the Smuggler's Den treasure room (what happened to the cave-ins? You may be asking yourself.. well.. screw you! That's what happened to them!)
Scarlett frantically reads over the hieroglyphics.. what could she have missed? Then she sees it.. it's a big fucking stone in the center of the hieroglyphics.. she tries to get it out.. but it doesn't budge. In desperation she swipes at it.. and.. it's amazing. It's not a stone! It's a MIRROR. Scarlett looks confused for a second, but then she says to herself, "As Above, So Below.. the world is what you make it" and then she laughs to herself as she realizes that there is no Philosopher's Stone, the mirror was there to let her know that the Philosopher's Stone was within her all along. She just had to believe in herself. So, using this mantra she runs through the stone monsters and the grim reaper guy and back to George who is dying. "Did you get the stone?" Papi asks. "No" Scarlett says.. then she says, "As Above, So Below" and kisses George. George is cured! Everyone wants to know exactly what is going on and she tells them that their guilty pasts are what is holding them down here in the catacombs.. so, one by one she asks each remaining member of the group what they are guilty of and says, "the world is what you make it" to each of them and forgives them and then everything seems to be okay. So they keep running and find a hole that might just be their passage out of this mess.. except they can't open. "As Above, So Below" Scarlett says, "Try PUSHING it" So the guys try pushing the door and low and behold it opens and turn out to be a manhole cover. So, bloodied and scared they crawl down into the manhole cover and out onto the streets of Paris across the river from the Notre Dame cathedral. Are they safe? Is this their world. Yes, yes it is.. so they hug and one of the guys walks away and George and Scarlett kiss and the credits begin to roll.
I am a bit biased. I personally think that the whole "found footage" genre of Horror was played out back in 2007 or 2008.. at this point they are pretty much just beating a dead horse. But seriously, this movie was dumb on so many levels it was disgusting.
If I had to give this movie a score it would honestly be maybe a 1.5/10. It wasn't entertaining even in a so bad it's good sort of way. It genuinely felt like a cheap attempt to use GoPro cameras and film on a super low budget so any ticket sales they did make would be cash in the bank. There is no passion in this movie. There is NO reason for this movie to exist. Avoid it like the plague. It's not even a Redbox "I have nothing to do on a Saturday night" watch.. d/l it if you have nothing else to watch.
In the eternal words of Elder, "What a waste."
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Originally Posted by BurnetRhoades
