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Howling 7: New moon rising
Ever see a movie so bad you were just praying to God to strike you dead rather than suffer on and finish it? Ever seen a movie so retched that soldering your eyes shut and cauterizing the wound with a blow torch, salt and several gallons of acid seems a far less painful option? Have you ever seen a movie that was so piss poor it caused you to have a stroke trying to figure out how the fuck it ever saw the light of day? Ever seen a move so fantastically pitiful even Michael Bay wouldn’t be seen dead endorsing it? Well in the immortal words of Bachman Turner Overdrive “you ain’t seen nothing yet, b-b-b-b-b-b-b baby you just ain’t seen nothing yet”. Are you ready for pain? Are you ready for suffering? If the answer is yes then you’re ready for Howling: New Moon Rising.
Now I fully admit this will probably be the most negative review you will ever read in your short wasted existence but you must realize off the bat by watching this again in order to review and ultimately save you from ever seeing it I am putting myself at risk from such afflictions including and not limited too permanent loss of sight, bleeding of the ears, loss of all bowel and bladder control and an eternal damnation in the pits of Bay. The things I do for you.
So let’s take a look at the plot shall we. Ted (the Australian dude from Howling 5, don’t watch that one either by the way) who is also the writer and director of this abomination) arrives in the small ….id call it a shithole but that would be degrading to actual shitholes ….lets call it a small pimple on the ass of the earth by the name of Pioneer town. He gets a job in the local bar and soon after a series of killing happen, the world’s most docile police inspector investigates while an amazingly demonic priest tells us over and over and over and over that it’s the work of a Werewolf, must horribleness ensues.
Where do I start with this one, ok let’s go with the acting, fucking terrible to the point I swear my kids Christmas pageant was Oscar worthy compared to this. Now the reason it’s so bad is that the movies budget was so small the actors are the actual inhabitants of the town playing themselves. That’s right they took 15 or so shitfaced hillbillies, tanked em up with phenomenal amounts of alcohol and let them loose. What follows is around 90 minutes of the worst acting ever, related to this is without a doubt the most pathetic dialogue ever committed to film. I don’t even think there was a script for this movie they must have just told them the general idea to get across and let them say anything they want. What they decided was the best course of action was to fill the entire movie with terrible one liners that would make even the worst comic blush and what appears to be some kind of ancient gibberish recited backwards.
Plot is pretty much non existent as is any resemblance of order in the production; I swear I have seen episodes of fucking Barney with more depth than this fucker. There is a really fucking weak side plot with the Inspector that is so funny you would swear it came from the files of Police Squad, but the funny thing is that the whole thing is done absolutely straight faced.
Perhaps the worst thing of all in the movie is that for a werewolf movie there is no werewolf, yeah you heard me no fucking wolf whatsoever. You never see a wolf, you never really see any killings, the only thing you get is a few POV shots with a red filter that’s supposed to be blood or something I suppose but in the end just looks like shit.
On to the effects, or rather the complete lack of any effects whatsoever, as I mentioned any relation to the wolf is done with a red filter, death scene, red filter, wolf appearance, POV with red filter, gore, good old red. The one shot that may in the most drunkenness of states be mistaken for a special effect is the last few seconds of the flick, the big pay off, the transformation scene. Forget about American Werewolf in London and Rick Bakers Oscar winning transformation scene, fuck that shit, who needs awesome makeup, prosthetic and puppet effects when you can just pause the frame and stretch it out horizontally, boom instawolf. No really im telling the truth that’s the big transformation, a stretched frame.
Now some may complain im leaving out the “awesome” country music aspect of the movie, well im not, im just trying to block it from my mind.
To sum up only these words would even come close to justifying the movie,
New Line (yes it was new line), what you've produced is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever seen. At no point in your rambling, incoherent movie were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone who saw it is now dumber for having done so. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your souls.
Im not even going to rather this one ill leave that up to you, pick a number between 1 and 10 and put a minus in front of it, there’s your fucking rating New Line, burn in hell.