Bah... I guess every message board has a RZ fanboy or someone who's gullible enough to fall for Rob's hackneyed gimmicks .
From your post Toby, it sounds like you've had this argument before with the members here, and I'm sure they;ve probably given up on you. Sort of like when you have a good friend, with a hardcore PCP/Crack addiction, you try your best to get them clean, but eventually you get so disgusted by their self-deluding lies that you give up. Call me naive, but I still think there's hope for you Toby. So I"m going to do my best to try and give you some clarity, so you can get the help that you need.
Just to give you some background. I'm not a Zombie hater. Back in my late teens/early twenties, I was a huge White Zombie fan. I saw them in concert probably a dozen times. In really small clubs, and eventually in large arenas. White Zombie broke up, then Rob embarked on his solo career.... which sucked ass. I guess he started listening to a bunch of sycophants who were telling him how he's a lot more talented than he actually is. I was a bit heart broken, but such is life. When I heard he was going to start making movie, I was all in! This is going to be great! One of my favorite singers, from one of my favorite bands was going to make a movie in my favorite genre, what could go wrong???
But enough about me and my sad, misguided thoughts as a youth. Let's discuss ROb Zombie as a "filmmaker" and some of the horseshit arguments that his fanboys regurgitate to defend this talentless hack:
1) "Rob's a huge horror movie fan!" : It's not really an argument, but for some reason Zombie fans always feel the need to emphasize this point. As if it qualifies him as being a director. Just because you're a fan of something, doesn't mean you know anything about how it's made. If that was the case, every member here would be qualified to make movies. Most people who make movies, have either gone to film school for years, or they've worked on several movies. It's a discipline that you learn, like any profession. You can't just go to an airport watch a bunch of planes take off, then decide to go and take a 747 for a spin.
2) "Rob does an amazing job at casting! He's really intuned with horror fans and knows what they want!": Casting a bunch of esoteric horror actors and actresses isn't a tribute, nor is it a homage to anything. It's called pandering. It's pretty much Rob saying, "This script and plot sucks a cock, but if I throw in a bunch of characters from old horror movies, people will go see it". It sort of reminds me of those Old Navy commercials years ago. The ones that starred Mr.T, Morgan Fairchild, Gary Coleman, Gilligan, etc... For a second, you're fooled into thinking your actually seeing something special, but then you realize it's just a bunch of has beens, who haven't worked in years. And what is with him casting Wrestlers in most of his movies? Sure, I used to love wrestling, but then I hit puberty.
3) "People are just "Hatin'" on Rob because he remade a true horror classic Halloween": If this is true, why don't you hear about people hating on Zak Snyder's remake of Dawn of the Dead, or Cronenberg's The Fly. YOu don't hear it because they're great movies!
I could go on and on about other nonsensical defenses people make about ROb, but instead, let's look at the movies themselves:
House of 1000 Corpses: If you even want to qualify this as a movie. It's basically just a bunch of random haphazard scenes thrown together, trying to stretch out the 20 minute story of Dr. Satan. The scenes go on forever even if they have nothing to do with the story, like the trip to Red HOt Pussy Liquor. Ooooo tee hee! He said the word Pussy! And giggle giggle, the grampa keeps shouting the words cunt and fuck in his stand-up routine. It's a rated R movie, Who the fuck over the age of 18 still finds the use of dirty words for the sake of using them comical? There are just too many terrible moments in this movie that to write about all of them would take longer than watching the actual movie.
Devil's Rejects: This is the movie Rob fans always point to when trying to talk about Rob as a real movie maker. And I'll agree that it's not half as bad as House, but in no way is it a good movie. His supposedly "artistic" shots (the ending car chase with the helicopter shot) is so cliche and overused, you can see it in a million movies. The one thing that makes the movie somewhat watchable is the soundtrack. And what about the "big reveal"! The fact that the killers are named after characters from Marx brothers movies. What did that have to do with anything? How was it relevant to the story? It wasn't... just more nonsense that doesn't add anything to the story.
Halloween: In the original Halloween, there isn't any explanation as to why Michael is the way he is. Doc Loomis sums it all up by saying that he's pure evil. They never get into the why. Which is sooo effective since the imagination is a lot more effective at scaring someone than any piece of celluloid. Also, based on the opening scene, Michael seems to be the product of an upper middle class family. He just went batshit crazy. Your imagination fills in all of the gaps. Zombie removed the most intriguing part of the movie and spends the entire movie explaining why Michael is the way he is. He's poor, his dad is mentally and physically abusive, he's picked on by his peers, he has a doting mother, his sisters a whores, he kills small animals for fun. He pretty much gives Michael the same past history as 90% of every serial killer to ever walk the planet. As if that wasn't bad enough, he decides to magically transform Michael from a short, blonde hair kid, to a brown haired, 8 foot tall monster. I guess the Mental ward gave him a diet of anabolic Horse steroids for breakfast lunch and dinner.
Halloween II: To be honest, I gave up on this movie probably half way through. The dream sequences, and that one girl who said the word fuck every 3rd word just got on my last nerve.
Lords of Salem: Probably the best premise of all Rob's movies, but is ruined by Rob's typical horseshit, First off what decade is the movie supposed to be set in? They're using cell phones, but they all dress like it's the 70's? The radio station is spinning vinyl? Sherri's in a drug recovery program but drinks? There's a lot more nonsense, inconsistencies, etc... to point out, but I need some breakfast
I will say this Toby, you're right when you say you can't compare Zombie to Michael Bay, or Roland Emmerich. As flawed as their movies are people actually pay to see their movies. You could pick one of their movies at random and it probably grossed the same as all of Rob's movies combined. If you want to say he's a better director than the guy who made Thanxkilling, I guess I"ll give you that one.... I guess