Amityville Apt. (2025)


REVIEWER RATING: 
1/10

DIRECTOR:

CAST:


On November 13, 1974, Ron DeFeo Jr. shot and killed his entire family while they slept in Amityville, NY. I was 2 years old at the time but grew up just 15 minutes away from this awful tragedy that incited an on-going collection of both intriguing tales of haunts and extremely ridiculous satires of absurdity. Amityville Apt. falls immediately into the latter category.  

The synopsis is the only matter of fascination going on in this anthology of crazy make-believe muddle: 40 years after the “infamous house” was torn down, an apartment complex now stands in place with plenty of disturbances reigning over its residents. However, the lack of tie-in to the original massacre or the soon-after horror claiming to take place by the next owners is non-existent. And I am left with amateurish monsters and laughable “scares”.  

With a solid team (Jennifer Nangle, Charles Chudabala, Nicole Cinaglia and other misused talent), it pains me that this cast has unfortunately been miscast. However, my disappointment is reverted to the script and special effects. Five steps below mediocre on both accounts.

  Filmed in Amityville which was a lovely trip down my own personal memory lane for the opening credits, I was quickly thrusted into an uncomfortable range of stories titled by apartment numbers. (Note: some narratives did NOT include these superfluous headers, thus confusing me even more.) The first being the most promising as it featured a young couple who call upon a priest to bless their new home after encountering several disruptions of spooky voices, flashing lights and eerie shadow appearances. As quickly as the favorable beginning began, it is pulled away faster than OJ’s Bronco getaway and all hope in a good follow-up, dissolves.  

Entering a witch’s coven shortly after where the ritual requests zodiacs from past decades, my hopes climbed a bit with excitement of reliving the 80’s. But to no avail as we were stuck (and I mean STUCK in the 50’s for what felt like 2 decades!) while the poodle skirts and laughable encounter with psychic shop owners – complete with a personal Pulp Fiction ‘gimp” - attempt to terrorize a group of naïve teens to assist the head witch with her quota. Is it me, or did anyone else catch the modern-day vehicles in the background of this ludicrousness?  

Through cheesy effects, robotic dialogue and just insane paralysis overcoming all the leads when faced with “horrendous” demons and monsters, I struggled to find a little redemptive light. It only seemed to appear as a quick glare before you hit an actual train wreck…head on. Amityville Apt is a figurative crash and burn in the hodge podge world of whatever the fuck I just watched.

OVERALL: 
Having avoided the majority of Amityville movie spin-offs (there is actually one titled “Amityville Death Toilet”) and the nonsense that continues to surround this original storyline of a haunted house on Long Island, I had opted to watch Amityville Apt with a completely open mind. All the strange occurrences being forced upon the inhabitants of this building (complete with the famous “eyelet” windows!) failed miserably on all levels of what this really could have been. The disconnections between the people, the awkward time periods (there’s a Nokia phone in one scene?) and the inauthentic spookiness was strained from the start. The potential was there. But no one bothered to tap on it. Clearly, I cannot make any sense of nonsense. Nor do I want to try.


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