Hemet, or the Landlady Don't Drink Tea (2024)


REVIEWER RATING: 
6/10

DIRECTOR:

CAST:


The United States first caught wind of bath salts thanks to the “Miami Cannibal” attack in May 2012 when a man in a zombie-like state, attacked a couple in their home and tried to eat their faces.

Only in Florida, am I right?  

Well, Hemet brings the bath salts epidemic to California where a group of misfits living in a low-income housing complex are forced to confront not only the new walking dead, but their detestable landlady, Liz.  

Residing in the broken-down structure within no man’s land, hard-headed Liz (skillfully portrayed by Brian Patrick Butler), runs her development through fear, manipulation and bribery. Whether it’s evicting a man for being sloppy or riding rented Asian dick in a grotesque sexual encounter, Liz is absolutely abhorrent to be around. The highlighted outtake describing her best: “Where is Ed Gein when you need him cause Liz is begging to be a lampshade.”  

While we get to know the quirks of various tenants such as precocious 20-something Rosie, attention-seeking Gary and hipster Howie, the effect from this plague seems to collectively damage any sort of humanity within this group under the puppet master herself with the notion of complete dominance and control. The mantra becomes (as Twisted Sister eloquently chanted) “we’re not gonna take it!” as they run amok in unbelievable chaotic hysteria. It is senseless and ludicrous. And the vendetta is insurmountable.  

A chain of repulsive events starts with strongman Tank who is more or less worshipped by Liz and her unsightly family. Tank decides to attribute his brutish ways into kidnapping, torture, and extortion that are inconceivable once the storyline comes into full fruition. The problem is the duration of time needed before the narrative takes shape.  

Once the tone is set that everyone is expendable and pretty much, unlikeable, the crazy events continue including a planted hand, incompetent cops and a dog shit-eating grandson who sparks the continuation of this salthead mayhem.  

Through some sharp-witted dialogue and adequate horror humor, it’s not a tough watch by any means. But it’s more along the lines of what the fuck did I just watch, which left me hanging without a net.

OVERALL: 
Hemet is simply not about the “salties”. The reversion into savagery after these zombies tread onto their property in search of some leg flesh is just a façade to a more convoluted mishmash of bizarreness. Is this about property ownership? Loyalty? Being a payout recipient after a sibling was eaten by a whale? Whatever the answer may be, it’s overshadowed by a chainsaw, ax, gun, and several other devices to inflict crude dismemberment and murder. Oh, and for those pondering the meaning of Hemet? I’m assuming it refers to Hemet, CA located in the San Jacinto Valley. Possibly the only known area where an outbreak of undead druggies would wander about? I know that was going to keep y’all awake tonight, wondering. You’re welcome.


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