My preconceived notion based on the title and brief synopsis:

A group of hot chicks decide to “revamp” (oh come on, I had to add that! LOL) the controversial adult site “Only Fans” into their own niche – Only Fangs – to profit on the well-known fact that they are blood suckers. And in the smutty male-market of fetishes gone wild, how can this fail, right?

Well, maybe it would thrive under different circumstances (such as promoting the truth about these girls being actual vampires) but the film itself fails on so many levels, that it pains me to continue.  

100 years ago, Scarlet and a fellow female vampire are looking to escape their leader, a treacherous slave-master who has a deep seeded desire to keep his proteges under lock and key. When they rebel, he easily disposes of them as if they were throw away objects who have run their course.  

It’s now modern-day time and he apparently runs a sleazy modeling agency in order to turn as many girls as he wants, as often as he wants. After getting his hands on – or rather teeth into – young Reese, Scarlet and her would-be bad-ass group of rebellious vampers save her undead life while banishing their ancient maker. It is set up to take us on a campy path to further hilarity once they are spotted by “The Monster Boys”, spearheaded by the zany Wes (another wacky performance from Drew Marvick). This group of conspiracy theorists are outcasted monster-hunters who…have yet to see, let alone capture a real and true monster. So, when Wes stumbles upon Reese having a “meal” on a blind date, he is equally jazzed as he is scared as fuck.  

Having been exposed to the public, the four female fangers (Scarlet, Reese, Selena and Zoe) put their acting chops together in “The Craft” coven ways, reworking similar one-liners such as answering, “Be careful out there…lots of monsters” with “we ARE the monsters” and watching them saunter through the desert in search of acceptable presence as “the weirdos”, comparable to the young witches from the 1996 flick. Borrowing from a cult classic is forgivable. Turning an indie horror comedy into a gangbanging feminist movement with overindulgent lesbian bizarreness is just nonsensical. And odd.  

Pressing on, I was content with Drew’s consistent delivery in character of peculiarity when interacting with his ma to bitch about his adult sister, Gwen quitting the online program. Translation: Wes will now have to get a legitimate job. Of course, we all know at this point that he will cleverly introduce the idea of Only Fangs to his newfound friends in hopes of avoiding real employment and also…staying alive.  

However, Scarlet has other ideas about breaking the barriers with their sexy draw, promises of being bitten fantasies and viral stardom. She’s secretly building an army to start a war. Against what? I’m still unclear. Nor do I even want to know as we continue to become bombarded with new and irrelevant characters every five minutes who make little effort to become memorable.

Only Fangs is TWO HOURS LONG. Featuring drawn out testimonials once the site launches to never-ending montages of photo sessions, my patience was wearing thin at 61 minutes when realizing…this is going nowhere. And not fast enough. What exactly makes Only Fangs appealing? While I ponder if this is about money, bloodlust or pure power, I’m left with a long ass music video reject from the 90’s. It’s a shame…Only Fangs bites.